Here's a video of the kiss. It's a bummer because you have to tilt your head to the left and because you can only see the kiss clearly for one split-second when the flash goes off, but it's still totally worth watching just so you can hear that Sexual Healing by Mr. Marvin Gaye was playing on the jukebox when this all went down. Hahahaha.
...and then the next thing I know, out of the blue, she's giving my bum the old double-handed grab. (I mean, check out her expression, she's making the "ooooooh" face and everything. Bonus points to Grant for catching this shit with the cam).
When Candy and Sarah started all dirty dancing and pointing the fan at themselves (to achieve that true "lesbians in a Whitesnake rock video" effect), I knew it was time to call it a night (before I lost my tiny mind). Happy Birthday, Sarah and Herman! Woooooooo!
Okay, after you're done drooling over Sarah's ridiculous onion, make sure you direct your eyes north for a look at the priceless expression David's pulling.
So there was this cute teenager working the counter and she took a liking to Fatty, so he asked her if she'd take him on a tour of the place and show him how the donuts here made.
I was trying to take a video of us rocking out but took a picture instead and managed to capture us in the midst of some pretty serious MetalFaces (check out Fatty pretending to play kit in the background with his DrummerFAce in full effect. Hahaha).
Seth was kind enough to offer me a sip of his water as a chaser. Only after a I swallowed did I realize his "water" was actually a glass of vodka with just a little bit of ice. A real prince among men, I tell ya.
After months of getting people to willingly pose with my balls, it was time to try something new: getting unsuspecting people to unknowingly pose with my balls. I discreetly whipped out my bag, and grabbed one of our new friends for a picture. I handed off the cam to Seth who totally shit the bed by not managing to get my balls in the pic. Doh! The rest of the guys in the pic (Check out Grant and Franks' faces) were laughing so hard that the girl in the black shirt was totally confused...
This guy was one of the only people there that fit-in with the rest of the crowd less than we did. I mean, c'mon, homeboy was wearing a leather vest! I went up to him and told him that he bore an uncanny resemblance to my brother-in-law (you know, the guy that married my non-existent sister) and asked if I could take his pic (when all I really wanted was a pic of his leather vest). Anyway, he turned out to be the nicest guy in the world and we ended up hanging out with him the rest of the night (and I got the pic of his leather vest, taboot).
Out of the four original Indoorvillagers, only the two Andies are left. I know alot of you have probably looked at pics of the apartment, have seen how awesome the place is and have thought that it seems strange that in the past I've had a hard time finding sub-letters.
Well, I figure it's probably easiest to just post this picture of Andy, one of the guys that still lives there, as Grant and I found him on his way to take a shower. Things make sense now? Ok, good.
A few weeks prior, I had tried to nuzzle Sarah's boobies while we were cutting rug at P.Diddy's party and she ran away. But this time, sweet, sweet success. Hahahaha.
Speaking of, check out the action photo I managed to capture of some random party guest completely burning off his eyebrows while spitting a huge tikitorch-fuel fireball.
Like three years ago, Vice featured this guy as one of their fashion "Don'ts." (I'm not sure why, maybe it was the sandals?) Anyway, here he is three years later kicking it to two chicks. Hey, if it ain't broke...you know what I'm saying?
After Amanda had finished singing, Tracy Morgan wandered in from the next room (!!!) and asked Frank if he knew how to play "Let's Get it On" by Al Green. He killed it.
After he'd finished singing, one of Tracy's friends (Shawn Wayans, I think) came up on stage and the band kicked off a Stevie Wonder tune. Seth ran up and joined them to first provide some backing harmonies...
...a bunch of hipster-tools, oh sorry, I mean street artists, tag some girl's dress. Yes, seriously. They tagged her fucking dress. And no, this wasn't some performance art-nonsense; this girl, after several minutes of watching these guys she didn't know write on the walls, went over to them and asked them to write and spray paint on her.
The pics of Grant and Fatty's entrees were blurry (not to mention not all that intersting) so why don't we move onto dessert. Shall we? Splendid! Here's Grant with his Crema de Limon Y Queso.
Besides seeing the Eiffel Tower, the only other thing Tara wanted to do in Vegas was go to the Rainforest Cafe (don't ask me, I'm still trying to figure out why as well). So check it out, we sit down at our table and then I notice there's this lady at the table behind Tara who's wearing a shirt that looks like it has a gold lamé bib built into it. When I pointed her out to Tara (who's from Texas), Tara shrugged and explained to me "Oh, that's just her eatin' shirt."
Later on, when the lady was finished with her meal (all four plates of it) she took off the bib, folded it up (see the fold-marks in it?) pulled out a matching, gold lamé, bib carrying-case, and put her folded-up gold lamé bib into her matching gold lamé bib carrying case, and put it back into her purse. I was shocked into silence. I had been kidding about it being a bib, I just thought it was part of her shirt. Who carries a bib (nevermind a gold lamé bib) around with them? Who? Fucking Vegas. Jesus.
I spent most of Monday in meetings for work. Tara spend most of Monday getting incredibly sunburnt at the hotel pool. Ouchie. After meeting up, we set out on the strip to explore some more.
We walked down the strip, had a few drinks (can you tell?) On, and you can actually walk around everywhere in Vegas with an open container...WHA? and then we went back to the hotel...but not before Tara fulfilled her life-long dream of seeing the Eiffel Tower. (First Venice, now Paris that I don't have to go to anymore? Man, going to Vegas is like putting money right back into your pocket! Who knew?)
After Iggy's, Bev and Matt left and Emily and I popped into Pianos, but it was pretty gay so we left. (But not before some hipster kid put his "mesh hat" down on the bar and when he turned around, we swiped it and ran out the door.) We immediately took turns trying it on seeing who...
Joanna, Grant's former Nerve intern (and founder of BurningAngel) came down to hang out. She recently started dancing at a Jersey noodie club and is making so much money that after three weeks she was able to buy a new car (which she paid for with a garbage full of money that she brought with her to the dealership). You probably won't realize that I'm not kidding until you see me in three weeks after I'm back from my breast augmentation surgery.
Emma leaned down laughing and put her hair right into a candle that was lit on the table. I was torn between putting it out (which I did) or firing up the cam and getting a pic of her aflame.
Josh, Grant and myself with Jess and her "two friends." (Dennis Crowley said it best in a recent email: "this may be one of the best photos ever snapped with a digicam.")
...this time he made sure to wear pants that can only be described as "ass-a-liscous!" Grant Stoddard kneels down so he can appreciate it in all its full glory.
Hey! Remember The Ass? (If not, you must take immediately take a time out from this entry to go back and read about him. Just click here, don't worry, it'll open into another window for you.)
All caught up? Well then you're probably thinking to yourself "Wow Brian, how in the world did The Ass (who's real name is Stevie, I'd like to add) end up at your party?" I'm glad you asked.
Most of you know that I work for an online dating company. One of the people who reviews the profiles when they're created came across Stevie's profile and emailed it to my attention. I emailed Stevie through the personals and sent him a link the aforementioned diary entry (when I dragged him out of Lombardi's to photograph his ass). He thought the pics were hilarious so I invited him to the party. And he came! AND..
And I saved the best for last...check out the ghetto pyrotechnics! That's right, they took sparklers and scotch-taped them to the ceiling for the big "Wanted Dead or Alive" Bon Jovi hair-metal finale!
What, you don't believe me? See those two smoking hot, blonde hula girls? Yeah, that's right! They got so hot and bothered by my karaoke jam that right after i was done singing they took me in the bathroom and I totally got down with both of them! So who's gay now, huh? Huh?
Look! Sometimes there's even the occasional celebrity. That's Peter Reigert (he played "Boon" in Animal House, remember), up on stage to sing "Shout." (He was there because it was the wrap-party for a movie he'd just finished directing. Beverly D'Angelo [aka - Ellen Griswold *swoon*] was in the movie too and I was hoping that I'd get to dedicate a karaoke jam just for her, but she was a no-show. Bah.)
On Monday, May 19th at 12:14am history was made as Sarah Lewitinn (of "Ultragrrrl" fame) finally drank enough to climb up on stage and pop her sweet, virgin karaoke cherry! She was a lil' shy at first...
We were standing at the back of the party, looking to see if we kind find anyone who could trump the excitement of Doogie and we see Keanu Reeves was sitting at a table all by himself. So I went over, said hi to him, started chatting him up telling him how much I loved him in "Point Break" (too bad you think I'm kidding) and then I asked if he'd mind having his pic taken. He said "No, not at all."
Just as he stood up pose with Vicki, his publicist (that blonde lady you see in the background) rushed over out of nowhere and is like "No! No photos. Sit down Keanu!" She then sorta pushed him back down to the table he'd been sitting at, dragged a chair over, and sat in front of him, guarding him. Which was really awkward because Keanu was now sitting all alone at the table, with this lady sitting in front of him with her back to him so she could glare at us. Which made us feel bad. We didn't mean to get Keanu in trouble!
So we just sorta hung out in the area and a few minutes later as the evil publicist lady was trying to usher him out of the party, he snuck over, apologized, and said "Quick, she's not looking! Take the pic!" (So Keanu, if you read this, thanks. Oh, and evil publicist-lady, if you read this, you can eat a bowl o' dicks! Cause we got the pic! Boo-yah!)
We prowled the crowd on the hunt for some serious celeb action. And lookie who we saw milling around - that's right, it's Neil Patrick Harris (aka - Doogie Howser, M.D.)! Booyah!
Me to Vicki and Sarah: "Quick! Pretend like I'm taking a picture of you two so we can get Doogie in the background." I think he overheard the word "Doogie" because he started moving around trying to get out of the way. But we got you Doogie. Oh, yes. We got you.
Special Guest Commentary from Grant Stoddard via IM: "As we learned early on, the main perk of bartending is having total control of the juke box *and* full license to play air guitar along to the metal anthems you select."
(Major bonus points taken away from whoever took this pic and managed to almost crop me completely out while I'm making what looks like it could've been the best "metal face" I've ever pulled. Curse you!)
Sarah showed up with up with her friend Malachi. (Malachi has since stopped wearing that hat and has made life easier for everyone by deciding to wear a t-shirt that reads "Please Kick My Fucking Ass!" instead.)
Don't even get me started on the whole fucking mesh, trucker-hat phenomenon again. Suffice it to say that for a short while it was so out of hand that I actually resorted to having this shirt made up.
In true "ecclectic poet" fashion, Bibbins repesented with these classic shoes. (Which, incidentally, are the same pair that Cousin Eddie gave to Clark W. Griswold in the first Vacation movie. Anyone with me on that one?).
Photo of the best subway billboard ever. It's for a law firm that specializes in representing the parents of stupid children who ate lead paint. Stooopid baby! Soooo stoooopid!
The people waiting in line for the next showing watched in disbelief as Stephen stomped flowers, pulled them out and threw them at us whilst laughing manically (as his dad looked on non-chalantly from like 5 ft away). When we asked Louis about it later he wearily replied "Hey man, he's a six year old. You've got to pick your battles." Hahahaha.
Bwa-hahahah! That's my roommate's cat, Herman. He's only sort of a cat because he's really more like a dog. I was putting a new garbage bag on the garbage can and when I was flailing the bag around to open it up, Herman became very interested in the bag...a leeeetle too interested...and so I scooped the leeetle fugger up. Here he is four minutes later after he finally manged to claw open a hole for his head. (How about I just make it easy for you?)
I got a new camera and the shutter timing is different than my old one - so when I went to snap a pic of Grant doing his now famous DLR Splitkick (David Lee Roth), the camera went off early and I instead captured him making this awesome face.
(PS - This is a true story: One time, Grant and I were down at the Jersey Shore and on the way back home, we stopped at a noody bar in Tom's River called Delilah's Den. We were sitting at the bar/stage chatting. One of the dancers came over and struck up a conversation with Grant. She asked where he lived, and after he told her "Chinatown, in Manhattan." She replied, "Oh, yeah. I guess I can kind of see that in your eyes." Seriously, true story.)
When Grant ran into a little trouble singing George Michael's "Kissing a Fool," Michael ran up to the stage to lend support with this "lone lighter" salute.
Stingy Lulu's has these cross-dressing lounge singers that jump all over the place and harrass the shit outta all the people trying to eat. But yo, check out her face - is that some scary Planet of the Apes shit or what?
