Grant and the Fatty on theirs. Now, one thing to keep in mind - the horses we were riding weren't wimpy petting zoo horses that have been ridden by hundreds of people. These horses were broken, but don't get ridden all that often - and when they do get ridden, they're ridden by real cowboys who know how to handle them. So in the beginning, we each had to spend quite a bit of time with our horses pretending like we knew how to act like we were in charge.
Check this out: Tavis is a totally rad illustrator and snuckity snuck Laura onto the December cover of god-damned Boston Magazine. How amazing is that?
I was trying to take a photo of Grant biting the giant "Randy's Donuts" sign but right at the last minute, this big truck came into the pic almost blocking at I had to yell "Go high! Go high!" to even get the Donut in the pic. Mmmmm. Donuts.
After dinner, I stopped over at Miye and David's to bring them to their first ever Sid & Buddy Monday night karaoke. If not for his hot-ass wife, I'd swear David was a flaming queen - While goading him to hurry up in the bathroom I whipped out my cam and managed to catch his metrosexual ass in the middle of CURLING HIS FUCKING EYELASHES! I went back out the living room to inform Miye that I'd just caught her husband using her eyelash curler thingy to which she replied "My eyelash curler's in my purse. That's David's very own eyelash curler." And there you have it.
When even the costumes failed to draw the crowd's eyes from the show Leila and her fellow make-out co-conspiritors were putting on, Matt had no choice but to pull out the nuclear weapon of karaoke moves, the "Knee Swing from the Water Pipe." Holy fucking shit.
Leila took a quick break from her make out sesh to writhe and gratuitously cup her breasts next to me on stage while I sang. Thanks for that, hon. Motley Crue karaoke just isn't the same without a girl on the stage touching herself and shimmying suggestively.
And then suddenly, the shots got the better of Leila and she started getting all fresh with Ed - tugging at his luggage and whatnot (The momentary look on confusion on Ed's face as he tried to figure out if she kidding around or not quickly turned to indifference as he realized "Hey, either way some cute chick's tugging at my carrot.") Then, just as Leila was about to give Ed some full-on mouth kissing, Chira shut things down with a strategically placed hand.
Then Chris, being the "master of my own body" ninja that he is, destroyed them with him spot-on perfect impression (Well, except for the fact that he's not wearing a little brown dress). And the more we started taking, the shit was so funny that WE almost forgot that we really were taking him to his surprise party.
So a few minutes later, G and I are sitting in Burger King kicking it with a coupla Whoppers, and this girl with a really great bum walks by. As soon as she'd passed, Grant was like "Get your camera ready! I want to show you what I'd like to do to that chick's ass." And thus came about my new all-time favorite pic of the Man, the legend, the King of Tee-Effing Ass, Grant "Pow, Howdaya Like Me Now" Stoddard.
After Lit, I headed over to Nolita Tavern for some Sid & Buddy karaoke action where I bore witness to my man Kyle fall victim to one of the most outrageous girlie-attacks I've ever seen. First they stripped his shirt.
After my little nappy nap, Grant and I headed down to Eastern Eye to pick up the enormous order of Indian food we'd ordered for dinner (where I managed to snap this sick-ass photo of Grant's superb rendition of the rarely seen sideways variation of the DLR [that's Mr. Lee Roth, to you son] air kick.)
And for all those people who are feeling sorry for poor Fatty, here's the video of Fatty scaring the shit out of Grant a few hours later in the now infamous "Double Cross" video.
...of Grant giving Fatty one of the best "Wedgie Sneak Attacks" ever captured on film. AWESOME. Less awesome is the fact that I didn't manage to capture the clobbering swing he administered to Grant's leg as he painfully reacted to the friction of a yard's-worth of fabric being zipped through his ass crack.
Grant announced that he was going to take a shower before dinner and headed for the bathroom. As soon as we heard the water turn on, Chris and I grabbed the video camera, climbed out the bedroom window and went around the condo to the shower window. Hehehe.
It was getting pretty late and Shelby, Tymber's roommate, seemed like she was tired and getting ready to go home. Grant sensing that Shelby was going to try to get Tymber to leave early with her, tried to get Shelby in the mix out on the dance floor in hopes that she'd stay a little longer. Check out the Fatty peeping Grant's crafty "Hey, now let's ALL dance together!" move from the sidelines. Smoooooooooth! Hahaha.
As well as the "Hey, it was nice to meet you too" hug. If there was audio, this is where I'd have a clip of the "I did mention I have my own TV show coming out, right?" conversation. Hehehe.
Ever notice how the Greeks have been kind of quiet on the world scene since inventing modern thought and baklava? Well it turns out that they've been teaching killer fish circus tricks. Unfortunately, the bizarre aquatic piranha circus wasn't happening until after we left. Boo!
Yet another possible JDate photo opp for the Fatty. "Dude, it says to chicks 'I like culture and stuff' ". As handsome as he looks ladies, just keep in mind that moments after posing for this picture he ran off to "look for the torture chamber."
But after the first pic, Grant turned around and gave a Randy "The Macho Man" Savage-style FLEX DOWN! Hahhahaha. (Oh, and here's a lil' treat! It's the hi-res, large version for all you Grant fans out there (mostly dudes, I'm assuming) who are looking for a little "Beefcake Stoddard" desktop wallpaper action.)
Seriously, check it. From the hair right down to the glasses, he's got it down! Even the man himself gives Fatty a "thumbs up" for his flawless impression.
How tough is the Fatty in this pic? See that drop off behind Fatty in the pic? That's actually a steep road that leads down to this little tiny part of the penninsula that goes out into the water. We drove down to explore and take a closer look.
Turns out, the highway was way less scary than the little road we'd been riding through town. On the little road, we were forced to ride in the sketchy, pothole ridden shoulder, where we constantly had to worry about cars pulling out in front of us and dogs that were running around in the street. But on the highway there was hardly any traffic and the shoulder was wide and smoothly paved. (By the way, you know you totally love my wind-styled Farrah Fawcett wings. They're the latest in cycling fashion.)
Live Show gets the thumbsdown! Here's us in the parking lot trying to assess the financial damage. Our four Russian "strippers" managed to fleece the four of us for a grand total of €120 in less than 20 minutes! And we still didn't manage to see any heines! We hopped in the car to drive the remaing 1/4 mile back to our resort, and in the moment of silence after we were finished laughing hysterically at what had just happened we all heard Grant say quietly to himself: "Hmmmmm. A hundred Euros, eh?" Hahahahaha.
Why yes, there is: The Fatty with a group of German ACDC fans. These guys were fucking hardcore. They got wind of the surprise show in Munich that morning and flew over on a whim.
7:25am: Lost. We were right on target until the highway we were on turned into this crazy-ass rotary that shot us off in the wrong direction. We stopped at a gas station for directions, but nobody there spoke enough English to be helpful - so we hunkered down with the map and tried to figure it out. (Check out Fatty's priceless "We're lost" expression).
After brunch, Fatty and I were running errands around the Lower East Side, getting last minute stuff for our trip, and I got a call from Vin who said we had to meet up because he had a going away present for me. The present turned out to be this "Penis Drinking Straw."
Sarah making friends with the scary-ass costume guy that stands outside of Ricky's Halloween shop on Broadway for most of the month of October. If you come to NYC during then, watch out for this guy. He stands really still against the storefront pretending he's a statue and then when someone walks a little too close he'll jump out in front of them, or just reach out and touch their face, or my personal favorite, just as someone passes him, he'll start walking behind them really close...people will get like ten feet, sense someone is following them and when they turn around, they're like "AHHHHHHH!" Anyway, Sarah and I stood around for like ten minutes cracking up watching people freak the fuck out.
...and this guy! I wish I could remember his fucking name! ARgh! He was a total Staten Island-style guido who was pretty much the friendliest guy I've ever met. He saw us taking pictures and wanted to take a look at my camera...which of course led to us taking pictures with him.
On Tuesday, I met up with Tara for birthday lunch at Cafe Liebowitz on Spring Street. Here she is using her actual ID to legally procure alcohol for the first time ever. Look at lil', mini, sixteen year-old Tara in the corner. Awwww, lil' baby's all growed up!
Then he got topless! This was too much - after thrashing about on the dancefloor, Sam got hot and decided that he was going to take his shirt off. The bartender came over and was like "You gotta put your shirt back on." Sam was like "But I'm hot!" and the bartender was all "Ummmm, sorry you're hot, dude. But you gotta put your shirt back on." Hahaha.
On the way over to some bar called O'Donohughe's, Crazy made friends with a homeless Puerto Rican guy and they sang us some songs together in Spanish. (Which was extra entertaining because, um, Crazy doesn't speak Spanish)
This was the best part, I was standing really close to him with my nuts out and all of sudden he woke up. He seemed started to find me standing so close to him and and was like "What's up?" So I said to him enthusiastically, "Nothing, dude! You're rocking the fuck out, that's what! Let's take a picture together!" He jumped up and with like "Ok!" So that's how I turned an "Almost Got My Ass Kicked" situtation into the greatest "You Don't Know You're Posing With My Balls But You Are" picture of all time.
So it was around this time that we noticed these two (aka - "The Greatest Couple in the World."). He was completely shit-hammered; to the point where his head was all bobbing around like we was on a fucking wagonride on a cobblestone street. And she (as if her matching aqua skirt-outfit wasn't enough) had the biggest belly button jewelry thing I've ever seen. I mean look at that thing - it's like the J-Lo engagement ring of bellybuttons. Anyway, she was really drunk and kept heckling people in between songs, yelling that it was her turn already....we'll get back to these guys later.
Tara and I helped him bring all of his stuff back to his apartment, and then in a serious lapse of judgement, Tara agreed to close her eyes and let Grant surprise her - and in this case the surprise was all 10 inches of Jerome.
So every once in a while, one of my friends will pull an expression in a photo that just begs to be Photoshopped into something else. Case in point - Frank and Colin were joking around and were pretending to flip a table and and then the next thing you know...
And then he treated us to even more "Frank dancing." (You should probably take the above image and save it to your desktop - that way, the next time you're feeling down, happiness is only a double-click away.)
As I sat there reading the manual, I learned that because of it's big internal memory, you can take a succession of pictures superfast. It was only a matter of time I was having Tara see how many faces she could make in four seconds. Ready....GO!
Thursday night I was walking around taking pictures with my new cam and I got a call from Sarah. We decided to meet up for dinner at Schiller's Liquor Bar near her house. I took a bunch of pictures of her and accidentally managed to take a picture of a ghost. See it there traveling at high speed through the background of the pic? Some people have tried to tell me that it was some sort of light refraction thingy, but if you look carefully you'll see that it starts out moving from left to right and as it gets to the right side of the picture it's in front of the people dining by the window, but behind the guy in the Hawaiian shirt. A simple trick of light couldn't appear between two objects in the background. Anyone else out there have any insight into what exactly this is a picture of? Please email me! (And it's not any type of smoke. There is no smoking allowed in the restaurant)
So check it: This guy's long, braided hair was making Grant all mad. Even though he was standing 10 ft away from the guy Grant was all like "Ew, can you smell it? Can you smell his dirty, braided hair? Ew! I bet it smells!" So I was like, "Why don't you go find out....PUSSY?" So Grant goes over to the guy and I took this great picture of Grant smelling his hair. And then...
...egged on by me cracking up, he got all big balls and got really close and starting sniffing all loud. What my camera didn't capture is Grant almost getting handed a braided-beating when right after the above pic was snapped, the guy turned around all quick and almost caught Grant leaning in and sniffing. The guy wasn't sure exactly what was going on, but he was privy to the fact that he had just missed catching Grant doing something behind his back and wasn't very happy with him. Priceless. (Oh, and by the way, what's with his spray-painted shirt? Is this becoming a stupid trend or something?)
Here's Fatty telling his amazing story (complete with hand gestures) about a Russian girl he'd met through online dating who was only interested in getting her "rear emmissions checked" (if you know what I'm sayin'). Look at Frank's face, he's totally caught in the middle of saying "Duuuuude."
Before David had time to warn him, Grant turned the dial marked "Water Pressure" all the way to the most powerful setting. Check out his priceless expression as his O-ring is almost permanently damaged by a geyser that could give Old Faithful a run for its money.
That is until he got next to her and forced his alcohol-impaired, little eyes to focus for a second. Actually, forget the dim light, s/he's actually pretty hot regardless of what she may (or may not be) packing downstairs.
Big Daddy tearing it up with Huey Lewis' seminal "I Want a New Drug." Homeboy kicked it so hard he needed not one, but two blonde, hula-clad male dancers. Check out that face; the urgency - can't you see how much Big Daddy wants that new drug?
