Sarah decided to throw a Hawaiian party at her pad. (on a side note, when I asked Tara if she wanted to go to a "Hawaiian Party" with me she asked "Do I have to dress Hawaiian?" Me, "Um, I think so." Tara, "So does the girl that's throwing this party have big boobs?" Me, "Yeah, how'd you know?" Tara, "Because if I had big boobs I'd throw Hawaiian parties
all the time and show them off.")
So after we leave, who do we see sitting on the sidewalk just a few feet from the broken door slumped against the building next to a pile of his own vomit? (Suddenly his little, matching denin Osh-Gosh-esque outfit seemed apropo). That's right, it's the evil door kicker! Regardless of the rough shape he was in, he was still a good enough sport to wipe the puke from his chin and coldlamp for this supremely awesome pic.
One night when we were out like two years ago, Grant busted out his impressoin of "Molly Ringwald in every 80's movie" dance-move and cracked us all up. But ever since then, everytime he tries to dance, he inadvertently ends up doing the same Molly Ringwald dance - it just happens and he can't seem to stop. For once, the total and complete gayness that said dance move conjures, worked in his favor. You go, girlfriend!
Grant tries to get some stranger into the true DLR (that's David Lee Roth) spirit of things by doing a toe-touch jump in the beginning of his performance of Van Halen's "Panama."
For those of you who don't live here, Crazy Pomodoro Guy is our loving nickname for a guy named Jack. He stands right outside our office on the corner of Broadway and Spring all day holding a sign that advertises Pomodoro Pizza. He fucking rules.
Check this out: Fatty found his old drivers license back from his hair metal days. He played lead axe (that's guitar) for the infamous band "Nasty Magic." (And no I'm not kidding. Do you really think I could've made that name up?)
Bwa-hahahaha! Here's Grant surreptitiously giving Alex the ol' "Get a Load of This Guy" face for the cam. (Bonus points to the guy over Grant's right shoulder laying down the double-ironic "Who does this guy think he is making fun of that other guy" face. Ha!)
And then the next thing you know he's quasi-passed out (check out the open mouth - noice!) on Nerve intern Noa, who tried to resuscitate him with a firm grab of his titty.
I retaliated with this drawing that pretty much upset Grant for the rest of the night. ("I don't really look like that, do I? Dude! C'mon! Seriously, I don't look like that, right?")
After dinner, we went over to EAR bar to have a drink and kill some time before heading over to TISWAS at Don Hill's. They have paper tablecloths and crayons so that everybody can draw funny pictures of each other. Here's Grant's drawing of me. Hahaha.
Proprietor and emcee "Owen the Brummie" gives madd props where madd props is due with a double index finger hail. This was the exact moment where the Arlene Grocery foundations were thoroughly shaken for the first of four times on that fateful evening.
Check out my mom rocking the toboggan in her aqua snowsuit with hot magenta boots! (She looks like one of the female supervillans from a James Bond flick circa '84).
Pang Pang gets mad prizzops for this pic - not only is he pulling off a DLR-style kick (that's David Lee Roth), he's also getting his junk touched by Sarah while doing it. SUHweet!
You know, life's funny: One minute you're riding high at a fancy-smancy club in the West Village and dancing with a hot chick. And then just 10 minutes later...
Grant was sweating this chick for awhile, so after he finished his ridicu-normous-sized drink he mustered up enough liquid courage to go up and start dancing with her.
Now, check this - Emily's had a crush on John since she was in 9th grade and she subtley hinted that she might want make out with him (she did this by grabbing my arm and whispering "I totally want to make out with John Christie."
Also on hand was Matt Weiner; an RHS alumnus, a Syracuse alumnus and he lives right down the goddamned street from me in NYC. For those of you new to my site, Matt is so revered for making faces that there have been contests held to pay homage.
On Saturday, while browsing for discounted Canadian porn, we found out about Grant's former life as a model for the "Mr. Jack: Hungy, Hard Sucking, Mouth! (complete with multi-variable vibration unit). Check that shit out, the resemblance is uncanny.
Six cheap Canadian beers later, Grant somehow figured out he could really do a DLR-style (David Lee Roth) jumpkick!!! Check out this shit I managed to capture mid-air.
This is Zion Levy - he's the Israeli cab driver that drove Grant and I up to Fatty's to get the rental car. When he heard we were going to Montreal, he started laughing and told us that "the Montreal women are many naughty and are enjoying to make the fuck very much." He then launched into what might be the greatest story of all time about how when he was a young lad visiting the Jersey shore, a bus load of women from Montreal showed up and he fucked most of them (including a mother and her 17 year old virgin-daughter.) Seriously, I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. If you ever get in Zion's cab, make sure to tell him you're heading to Canada.
Seven Layer put on a fancy shirt and wasn't about to get clam sauce all over it...check him shamelessly sporting the fucking Guinea Bib. Molto bello, fuckhead! (PS - Bonus Points to Grant for an amazing "get a load of this fuggin' guy" face).
Okay, this pic is from a few weeks earlier when Laura was in town for "The Rules of Attraction" premeire...but it's the greatest picture ever and I didn't include it earlier so here it is.
After laughing like two crazed loons at the mop photos, Doug decided it would be funny to capture an action shot of him breaking something...here's him mid-throw with a CPU monitor we found on the street.
I call this photo "Birthday Boy, 5:42am." If you listen very carefully while looking at this picture, you can actually hear him groaning. (PS - Is that a velour shirt you're wearing, Scott?)
At some point in the early morning, my roommate's cat walked into the living room with something in his mouth. Which closer investigation revealed to be this severed mouse head! UGH! Here's Scott laughing hysterically and posing with it.
The most obvious perk at an empty beach is that there aren't any people around. A less-realized, ancillary perk is that sometimes your female friends will take out their "perks" and sun them in front of you. Grant peeps over Sarah's bizzoobie.
Forget about that "kissing co-workers" or nonsense, Emma just plain said fuck it and got up on the dancing cube in nothing but her undies. Fuck Yeah. (Also, it should be noted at this point that she's up there dancing with the infamous "tie off your weiner, professional stripper guy" from when Grant and I stripped).
Look at that smile, think Russ has had a few? Brave soul that he is, he starts chatting up her friend too. "Why yes, you're legs are smooth." Priceless.
Hulk Hogan's (not so) Little Sister. Jesus Christ, look at that fucking forearm! We would've been laughing hysterically if we weren't so scared that she was going to grab hold of one of our heads and crack it open like a walnut with her bare (man)hands.
No stranger to whipping out my own bag, I handed over the camera and teamed up with Grant for this amazing photo. (Look at our faces!!! nd bonus points to me for actually resting my nuts on the guys chair.)
Yep, that's right, going right towards seeing Bob's big belly broken out in rashy, ingrown-hair, hives from an amateur waxing gone awry. What's up, ouch!
Check this shit out...these three girls were part of a bachelorette party and they were going around asking if anyone had a condom...because their friend was getting married in a few days and she needed to "Get fucked one last time." Her friends informed us that they needed a condom because they didn't have one and "You know, she's not going to fuck some stranger right before her wedding without a condom 'cus that would be wrong." Luckily Vinnie Delpino (Doogie Howser's best friend) came through with a rubber at the last minute!
See that girl in the purple tank top? I asked her what kind of beads she was wearing and she told me they were Mardi Gras beads, so I started chanting "Show Yer Tits! Show Yer Tits!" Which she did, but my camera went off too early. Sorry, I got excited! (PS - Look at Kenny lending a "helping hand" in lifting up her shirt)
When Kenny's not working (at his job where he impersonates "Doug" from "King of Queens"), he's busying wooing the beautiful (and tan, did I say tan?) ladies of the Jizzersey Shizzore.
Hey, it's not really a night of jerseyshoredrinking unless somebody tries to kick YOUR FUCKING FAGGOT ASS!!! This guy proudly displays his ripped shirt. (Bonus points to his friend for making that face. Ha!).
This is the 2nd best pic of the night. Vin & Josh blow up Grant's spot ("Who does that guy think he is back there?") as he tries to kick it to Amanda in the background. HAHAHA!
Okay, question for you: How the fuck did we not get thrown out of the bar??? I'm standing on one of the booths, screaming and doing a David Lee Roth kick while both Martin and Jessica get ready to touch my package. This is at like 10pm on a Wednesday!?! (Also, look over to the left of me...aren't those the same two girls from before making out? It's an hour and a half later and they're still going at it).
