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Doing the Butt!
cake party part four
August 27, 2003
me
After our French guests had tired of the novelty of sweaty, topless men, we packed up the crew and headed over to Plaid to check out a party that the Fugees were supposedly throwing.
cake party part four
August 27, 2003
me
Laure.
cake party part four
August 27, 2003
me
Here she is ladies and gents - Emily Scarlet Kramer. One of the three people responsible for the whole Cake thingy.
cake party part four
August 27, 2003
me
After we'd been there for about an hour or so, Nerve intern Sarah Harrison turned up to join the festivities.
cake party part four
August 27, 2003
me
Wait a minute...what's that playing up there on the ginormous big-screen TV...
cake party part four
August 27, 2003
me
Momentarily safe whilst stopped at a traffic light, Grant captured this picture of me reflecting upon the "nugget of fear" I'd just involuntarily deposited in my shorts.
cake party part four
August 27, 2003
me
Opting to avoid any drama, Grant and I quickly said hi and then we ran away.
cake party part four
August 27, 2003
me
Guess who's moving to NYC soon?
two bbqs and karaoke
August 16, 2003
me
"I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. That much is true..."
two bbqs and karaoke
August 16, 2003
me
This one! Karaoke duets five nights a week! Uh-oh!
two bbqs and karaoke
August 16, 2003
me
"Don't you want me, baby? Don't you want me, oh-oh-oh-ohhh."
two bbqs and karaoke
August 16, 2003
me
"You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when I met you."
two bbqs and karaoke
August 16, 2003
me
At 8:59pm, just as we sat down on a bench to eat our dinner the power was finally restored to Soho and the Lower East Side (we were the last neighborhoods in all of NYC to get it restored going a whoppoing 28 hours and 28 minutes without it)! As the lights came up all around us, people everywhere were laughing and clapping and cheering and singing. Yay, power!
the nyc power blackout of 2003
August 14, 2003
me
A little bit later, a squinty, cranky Tara showed up and Grant and I tried to entertain her by...
the nyc power blackout of 2003
August 14, 2003
me
...sculpting our sweaty hair into comical 'do's. Keep in mind, the power's been only around seven hours and we're already reduced to stuff like this. Ashamed and discouraged, we all realized that the sooner we just went to bed, the sooner we might wake up to discover that the power would be back on.
the nyc power blackout of 2003
August 14, 2003
me
We sat around waiting for the BBQ to start and after a while the bartender finally came out to the back patio with a whole cooler full of meat - but then they weren't able for the life of them get the grill going (they had a charcoal grill, but couldn't find the briquette chimney that makes igniting the charcoal really easy). A former teen-pyromaniac, I could only sit by for so long before offering up my assistance. I got that shit cookin', yo. And this guy thinks he's the Firestarter. Psssh.
the nyc power blackout of 2003
August 14, 2003
me
Here's me at my utter sweatiest and crankiest.
the nyc power blackout of 2003
August 14, 2003
me
Hot, sweaty and tired in a way that only comes from having recent, unwanted proximity to another man's plumbag, we plunked our party down at a table outside in the back patio.
the nyc power blackout of 2003
August 14, 2003
me
Also, try to keep in mind that it's like 95 degrees outside. As our office started heating up (no AC, remember?), I decided to lay down and take a nap and wait for the power to come back on. I must've fallen into a deep sleep, because Grant managed to brain me pretty good. He loses points for not having my face in the pic, tho. (Thank god).
the nyc power blackout of 2003
August 14, 2003
me
...and two guys: Pascal and Nicolas - who in the most randomest coincidence of all time were fans of this website! It turns out Pascal and Nicolas work for a French wine company that had done business with Nerve and one day while Google-searching for information on Nerve, they came across my site and ended up reading most of it. So when Laure went to introduce Grant and myself to them, they were like "We already know zeese guys! Zey are cuh-razy!"
pick up lines at the ford modeling party
August 13, 2003
me
Yay, Frenchgirls!
pick up lines at the ford modeling party
August 13, 2003
me
After a few drinks, there was a...
pick up lines at the ford modeling party
August 13, 2003
me
Vin, Grizzle, Pascal, Nicolas, Laure and moi.
pick up lines at the ford modeling party
August 13, 2003
me
That is until he got next to her and forced his alcohol-impaired, little eyes to focus for a second. Actually, forget the dim light, s/he's actually pretty hot regardless of what she may (or may not be) packing downstairs.
pick up lines at the ford modeling party
August 13, 2003
me
Success!
pick up lines at the ford modeling party
August 13, 2003
me
A few moments later, I saw this girl Ali I know (whom Grant had never met) over by the bar and told her I wanted to introduce her to buddy Grant.
pick up lines at the ford modeling party
August 13, 2003
me
Oy vey.
pick up lines at the ford modeling party
August 13, 2003
me
I met up with a well-liquored Grant on 2nd & 2nd and we walked up to meet Vinay outside of Plaid on 13th & 4th (actually "well-liquored" is probably a bit of an understatement considering he almost threw up on the walk up).
pick up lines at the ford modeling party
August 13, 2003
me
Big Daddy tearing it up with Huey Lewis' seminal "I Want a New Drug." Homeboy kicked it so hard he needed not one, but two blonde, hula-clad male dancers. Check out that face; the urgency - can't you see how much Big Daddy wants that new drug?
karaoke with brett
August 09, 2003
me
I look like an albino Oompa Loompa.
karaoke with brett
August 09, 2003
me
Me and an Elvis-lipped Tara.
karaoke with brett
August 09, 2003
me
Me and Sarah (aka - Karaoke Lingerie Birthday Superstar).
karaoke with brett
August 09, 2003
me
Me and Khadijah (bonus points to me for actually being able to spell her name).
karaoke with brett
August 09, 2003
me
"No, it's this one that's the milkman's son."
karaoke with brett
August 09, 2003
me
I kicked off the night with my version of, um, errrrr, who knows - I guess that's why I shouldn't let over three months go by before I get around to captioning these stupid photos.
karaoke with brett
August 09, 2003
me
Orange scarf? Hey, when you're doing karaoke three times a week after awhile you find you need "props" to "spice things up."
karaoke with brett
August 09, 2003
Here's a video of the kiss. It's a bummer because you have to tilt your head to the left and because you can only see the kiss clearly for one split-second when the flash goes off, but it's still totally worth watching just so you can hear that Sexual Healing by Mr. Marvin Gaye was playing on the jukebox when this all went down. Hahahaha.
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
Check it out y'all: BASS CLEFF!
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
Unfazed by all the grab-ass, I kept on dancing with her - and then, while she was dancing behind me a few minutes later, Fraces, a sixty-seven year old woman, a senior citizen for God's sake, full-on reached around and grabbed my junk. With both hands. I reported back to Grant who at first, didn't believe me. Conversation went something like this:

Me: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!
Grant: What?
Me: Frances just grabbed my dick!
Grant (confused): What do you mean?
Me: What do you mean 'What do I mean?' I mean, she GRABBED MY DICK!
Grant: No way.
Me: Yes way.
Grant: Really?
Me: Yes, I think she totally wants to make out with me!
Grant: She wouldn't make out with you! And you wouldn't make out with her!
Me: Sure I would, why not?
Grant (angered): NO FUCKING WAY! YOU WOULDN'T!
Me (confused): Um, yes I would.
Grant (exasperated): DUDE! She's an OLD LADY!
Me: So?
Grant: There's NO WAY in the world you'd make out with her! NO WAY!
Me: Well, I mean I'm not gonna take her out back and give her stinky pinky or anything, but I'd kiss her.
Grant: YOU WOULD NOT KISS HER! SHUT UP!
Me: Yes I would.
Grant: I'll bet you anything you won't kiss her.
Me: Okay, like what?
Grant: I bet you dinner at Peter Luger's Steakhouse!
Me: If I kiss her you'll buy me a full dinner at Peter Luger's?
Grant: Yes.
Me: All I have to do is kiss Frances?
Grant: With TONGUE!
Me: Done. Shake on it.

And with those words, and a handshake to seal the deal - I walked over to Frances and...

my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
Awwww, yeah. Happy Birthday to me!
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
Afterwards, we went right back to cutting rug.
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
So a few minutes later, I go back out on the dancefloor with Frances and the next thing you know we're dancing up a storm. We're all shakin' our bums and she's all holdin' my face...
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
Right after the kiss, I did a quick calculation and realized that if this was my 27th birthday, it meant Frances was just over FORTY YEARS OLDER THAN ME! While I reeled in shock, Frances told the sickened onlookers that "Damn, white boy can kiss!" (Check out the dude in the background staring in utter disbelief)
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
...tongue kissed a sixty-seven year old woman.
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
...and then the next thing I know, out of the blue, she's giving my bum the old double-handed grab. (I mean, check out her expression, she's making the "ooooooh" face and everything. Bonus points to Grant for catching this shit with the cam).
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
If you don't know her from when we danced dirty at my Goodbye Brooklyn party back in April of 2002, do yourself a favor and familiarize yourself with the background to this story right now. (Don't worry, it'll open a new window and when you're done you can just close it and you'll be right back here, kay?)
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
For those of you not in the know, Frances is the the sixty-seven year old bar-back at Rosemary's Tavern.
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
Okay, all caught up? Good. So after dancing a bit with Frances and catching up...
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
That's right y'all, it's Frances.
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
The Fatty (looking like a zombie from out of "The Night of the Living Dead") me, Vin (making the bestest face ever) and GrizzleMyNizzle.
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
And informed her that as a BirthdayBoy it was my undeniable right to get a kiss. First off, I can't believe this worked. Secondly, she didn't even ask to see any proof! (It's been my birthday almost every night since. Awwww, yeah).
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
Vin and Tara!
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
At dinner, Grant manned the camera and managed to snap a pic of me opening my birthday card...
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
On my actual bday, Grant, Michael and myself paid my good friend Dave a visit for a little birthday lunch treat.
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
Vin, me, and Vin's hat.
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
And on the way back to the office I ran into Jack (the Sign-Holder Formerly known as "Crazy Pomodoro Guy") who wished me a happy birthday!
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
...and one of me displaying my Jersey Shore Salt Water Birthday Taffy (and then my camera died - which is why there are no more pics from this night).
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
Here's Grant and I partying with Fatty's "heavy metal hair" driver's license.
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
On the day before my birthday, my mom and dad came into New York City (from Jersey) and took Grant, Tara and myself out for a birthday dinner at Epicurie in the LES.
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
Thanks guys - I had an amazing night (and thank you too, Frances *wink*)!
my 27th birthday party
August 08, 2003
me
Candy and I reminded everyone that Roxanne did indeed not need to be putting on that red light. Seriously, those days are over, Rox. For seriously.
sarah's lingerie karaoke birthday party
August 06, 2003
me
Hahahahaha.
sarah's lingerie karaoke birthday party
August 06, 2003
me
Me (my armpit hair again) and Valentina.
sarah's lingerie karaoke birthday party
August 06, 2003
me
Xiomara!
sarah's lingerie karaoke birthday party
August 06, 2003
me
Tara (in her Holly Hobby lingerie), Ed and my armpit hair. Suh-weet.
sarah's lingerie karaoke birthday party
August 06, 2003
me
As the booze started flowing more freely, the "you must be in lingerie or your underwear" policy was foisted upon us.
sarah's lingerie karaoke birthday party
August 06, 2003
me
Seth, one of the stars of "The Story That Can't Be Told", Sarah, and me.
sarah's lingerie karaoke birthday party
August 06, 2003
me
Reunited and it feels so right!
boys weekend in newport part one: the drive up
August 01, 2003
me
Me pulling an exicted face at the bag of donuts Grant was holding up as I pulled in. (They got me a treat! Who's more thoughtful than them? Who's luckier than me?)
boys weekend in newport part one: the drive up
August 01, 2003
me
A few minutes later, I arrived. (In my sweet, sweet Intreptid rental.)
boys weekend in newport part one: the drive up
August 01, 2003
me
We even had enough time to grab a calzone at the pizza parlor around the corner from the theater. "No Fatty, you're the man now, dawg." (As much as I'd like to solely credit our win to Fatty's superb driving, Frank's inability to operate a motor vehicle and his lack of understanding of even the most basic of traffic rules probably didn't hurt our team either).
boys weekend in newport part four: race back to nyc
August 01, 2003
me
I was trying to take a video of us rocking out but took a picture instead and managed to capture us in the midst of some pretty serious MetalFaces (check out Fatty pretending to play kit in the background with his DrummerFAce in full effect. Hahaha).
boys weekend in newport part four: race back to nyc
August 01, 2003
me
This one's even better. Ready?
boys weekend in newport part four: race back to nyc
August 01, 2003
me
Shazam! Drink up, big guy! (That pic of MM was taken back in the day when he wasn't ashamed to hang out with us *sniffle*).
boys weekend in newport part four: race back to nyc
August 01, 2003
me
...Michael Martin! Hahahah.
boys weekend in newport part four: race back to nyc
August 01, 2003
me
One last pic with the New York Four.
boys weekend in newport part four: race back to nyc
August 01, 2003
me
...special guest star (via the magic of Photoshop)...[drumroll please]
boys weekend in newport part four: race back to nyc
August 01, 2003
me
Me eating the ice cream I got at 7 Eleven. Look at my fucking wonky eyes! This was the drunkest I'd been in years. Oooof.
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
me
This is hands down my favorite pic of the night. Bert N' Tha Boyz.
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
me
But we weren't ready to go home just yet...we stopped at 7Eleven to stock up on treats. Aw yeah, Bert.
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
me
We summoned Bert, our driver, and piled into the van for the big 3 mile trip home (bonus points to Frank for picking his nose).
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
me
Um, yeah. (Check out Grant in the background censoring himself. Heheh.)
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
me
So somewhere around this time, I started spitting on my friends. Well, more like spitting on my hand and throwing it at them. I don't know, it seemed funny at the time. Needless to say, people weren't happy with me. After realizing that I'd been an asshole, I apologized and Seth opened his arms for a hug. Little did I know, it was a set up: while I was hugging Seth, Grant snuck up behind me and poured his beer down my shirt (while Fatty, privy to the plan, waited in the wings with the camera. Bastards).
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
me
Seth was kind enough to offer me a sip of his water as a chaser. Only after a I swallowed did I realize his "water" was actually a glass of vodka with just a little bit of ice. A real prince among men, I tell ya.
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
me
As "last call" drew nearer, we bid the lovely ladies a fond farewell and hit the road to head over to some other bar where Seth and Frank knew the owner (If you look in the background behind my arm you can see Seth showing off the can of beer he snuck out of the bar by strategically hiding it in his asscrack. Sweet.)
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
me
After a little while, we tired of simply making silly faces with the girls and decided to up the ante...
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
me
A few minutes later, we convinced them to take more pics ("Taking pics is fun, right?") and Grant got in on the action.

Okay, I think it's safe to say that we were all pretty liquored up. At some point during the next few hours, every guy on the trip managed to get their luggage out...which leads us to the very first ikeepadairy.com contest!
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
me
...put them down. Hoo-ah. *Blech* *Gurgle* *Sputter* Check out Jagermeister suddenly transforming me into Dobby from Harry Potter. Jesus.
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
me
Frank (also sporting a little, um, color) and me.
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
me
Look at the color of Grant's face. I swear to God I didn't alter the contrast or anything. I wish I had the audio file of him a few hours earlier all saying "It's cloudy, dude! You don't need to wear lotion when it's cloudy out!"
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
me
She was like "Why are you all laughing?" and started to walk away. I managed to convice her that we were just happy to meet such cute girls and Seth got his act together in time to snap this pic.
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
me
After months of getting people to willingly pose with my balls, it was time to try something new: getting unsuspecting people to unknowingly pose with my balls. I discreetly whipped out my bag, and grabbed one of our new friends for a picture. I handed off the cam to Seth who totally shit the bed by not managing to get my balls in the pic. Doh! The rest of the guys in the pic (Check out Grant and Franks' faces) were laughing so hard that the girl in the black shirt was totally confused...
boys weekend in newport part three: saturday night
August 01, 2003
me
See? Look at the beach! Crazy, right?
boys weekend in newport part two: friday night and the beach
August 01, 2003
me
If this picture had audio, it would sound like: "BONK." Which is the sound of the Frisbee hitting Grant moments after he snapped this pic.
boys weekend in newport part two: friday night and the beach
August 01, 2003
me
After dinner we headed to some god-awful outdoor Newport nightclub that was on the water.
boys weekend in newport part two: friday night and the beach
August 01, 2003
me
This guy was one of the only people there that fit-in with the rest of the crowd less than we did. I mean, c'mon, homeboy was wearing a leather vest! I went up to him and told him that he bore an uncanny resemblance to my brother-in-law (you know, the guy that married my non-existent sister) and asked if I could take his pic (when all I really wanted was a pic of his leather vest). Anyway, he turned out to be the nicest guy in the world and we ended up hanging out with him the rest of the night (and I got the pic of his leather vest, taboot).
boys weekend in newport part two: friday night and the beach
August 01, 2003
me
Check out this cougar that was circling Colin and me; clearly trolling for a lil' spitroast action.
boys weekend in newport part two: friday night and the beach
August 01, 2003
me
From L to R: Fatty, me, Colin, Frank and Grant.
boys weekend in newport part two: friday night and the beach
August 01, 2003
me
We showed off our "French Faces." What eez zee poin? Ehhh?
the august roundup
August, 2003