Oh Hai! I can grope titties? (I love how Gurj has her hands up in the air all like "Yes, he's touching my boobs, but this is a totally one-sided thing!")
Then I REALLY showed that ass...to the, um, audience. Sorry about that, everyone. (FYI: This entire little dance number I'm doing was choreographed to Stacey Q's 2 of Hearts).
...the next photo reveals that she was just actually winding up to spank me! Hahaha. Just as I'd managed to convince the crowd that the stripping part of the show was over...
All that dancing took a lot out of me! Here's me getting ready to replenish all those calories I burned shaking my ass on stage with a late night pot o' mac and cheese (How else do you think I maintain that svelte figure of mine?). Photo (and panties) courtesy of Niki the Roommate. Thanks, Niki!
...Black Face Jesus needed to be BRAINED! Hahahahah. It's with great pleasure that I present to you this photo of me, a stranger from the internet, Black Face Jesus, and my balls.
She introduced me to her friend Jim and we all took pictures and laughed about how they wouldn't show up on this site until five years later. (But hey, it only took me about 19 months! Woooo!). She also came over to tell me that....
I guess that's the only photo I took at Easter dinner (whoops!) because here's Meredith and I back on the platform waiting to catch a train back into town.
Before she was a big shot porn star and porn mogul (NFSW, duh), Joanna used to be our intern at Nerve.com waaaay back in the day! Awwww! We caught up on old times and she invited me to come to a party she was throwing later on in the week to celebrate the release of her company's newest porno movie! Our little intern's all growed up! (that last link is really, REALLY NSFW!)
Then I took this awesome photo of me with simulated "beach hair." Afterwards, I tried to convince the two of them to head westward to catch the tail-end of MisShapes, but it was already 2:30am and neither of them were having it. So I decided to roll solo.
We love GOOD FRIENDS! The funniest part came when after we were done taking these photos, Meredith took a look at the nutritional information on the box and goes "Whoa, look how much fiber there is! The reason the folks on the box are all so happy is because they're taking totally regular shits!"
...and I smoked so much pot that my eyes got teeny tiny and I kept laughing so hard that I was crying. I'm not even sure if we ended up watching a movie. Yay, movie night!
After watching the karaoke competition (I didn't RSVP in time to be a contestant), I headed over to Pianos to SING some karaoke! Hahah. Here's me and Shanthrax.
...and I was wearing the suit my dad bought for me at Clothing Town to have made when I was Sophomore in high school (1991!) and got invited to go to a school dance with a girl who went to private school. Can you believe that shit still fits??
A little after midnight later that night, we headed out into the town to check out Houston night life. We ended up at a cool, divey bar that Tara had told us about, that had karaoke - but the wait to sing was really long...
And we're off! If I remember correctly, it was like a ninety-minute drive from the airport to the hotel where Tara and Greg's wedding was taking place.
Two more hours later and I'm conked the fuck out. Meredith managed to slyly sneak my camera out of my pocket to capture me in all my gape-mouthed glory.
On Thursday night I stopped by that speak-easy bar in the Lower East Side (the one that used to be called the Lansky Lounge) and ran into Will McD! It's a running joke that we both look like the bad guys from the movie The Karate Kid, so here we are pulling our best impressions of "Bad Sensei" and "Sweep the Leg Johnny."
On Tuesday night I went to some bar that Leigh was promoting a new party at. Merlin was there for the party, while I was there for the FREE PIZZA! (PS - How much do you love the fact that it looks like we're wearing different colored versions of the SAME WIG!)
That's right! It's ASIAN PORNO LADY! (For any readers who may be new, Asian Porno Lady is an Asian lady (duh!) who goes into East Village bars in the wee hours of the night with a little push cart that contains packs of cheap smokes and hundreds of bootlegged porno DVDs. She announces her arrival by subtly yelling out in a thick Chinese accent: "Smokes! Porno! Cigarettes! Asian Pooooooooor-no!").
...I think it's safe to say that Meredith and my TEAM UGLY FACE prevailed. The best thing about "UGLY FACE" is that it usually always leads to you making friends with people who overhear you laughing and are like "Yo, what the FUCK are you guys doing?" And then after you explain their like "Oh..."
My ugly face! (Hahahah. Jesus. I know I've done this face like a million times and I should be used to it...but even I've got to say that this particular instance is shockingly ugly!
Then I sang. By the serious, woeful look in my eyes, I know that I must have sang about the tragic tale of Ricky's life-long incarceration at the age of 18 after having accidentally shot his friend in a drunken wild night. (For any of you who didn't grow up in NJ or are under the age of 30, I'm talking about Skid Row's epic ballad, 18 and Life.
Same for me. Some nights I can do it no problem, other nights I try and try and wiggle and wiggle, but to no avail. (Look how close I am, though! I'm like an eighth of an inch away!)
And I challenged a black guy to a street race! (He overheard Grant and I arguing who'd win in a foot race and when Grant asked him who he thought would win in a race between the two of us he was like "All I know is I'd definitely beat both of you...because I'm black." Hahahah.) I was like "Oh, you think so? LET'S DO THIS!" He got out of his car, we sent someone down the street to signal the start of the race, and I handed my camera over so that the race could be documented! And then...
...he chickened out! Hey, I don't blame him - he had nothing to gain from the race. If he won, everybody would've been like "Yeah, of course you beat the white guy, YOU'RE BLACK!" But if he lost, then it would've been like "Oh no, you're the black guy that got beat in a foot race BY A WHITE DUDE!" So, hey, I'm not saying I don't understand.
Yep, see? He looks sober in this photo! I also worked with John and Lillian at Modem Media way back when and hadn't seen the two of them in six years either! Happy Birthday, Stoopid Newman! It was great to see you! I ended up catching the 11pm MetroNorth train back to NYC (because Dens got back in the car and drove up to Mt. Snow). After the train ride, I went home to relax for a bit, then around 3am, I decided to swing by Orchard Bar to see what was going on.
I've known her since 1993 (which means she knew me when I had the Steven Segal haircut: Shaved around the sides with a pony-tail in the back! *Shudder!* Hey, it was Jersey in the early nineties! Whaddya want from me?)
Me and the birthday girl - this photo was taken just moments after a huge fight broke out on the dance floor and Sarah ended up getting accidentally clocked in the face. Ooof!
