Hahahahaha. This photo is comedy gold. Miye literally could not believe how big this girl's asshole was. She just kept pointing at it and laughing. She totally couldn't get her head around it (but I bet she could get "it" around her head! Ha!).
...I think it's safe to say that Meredith and my TEAM UGLY FACE prevailed. The best thing about "UGLY FACE" is that it usually always leads to you making friends with people who overhear you laughing and are like "Yo, what the FUCK are you guys doing?" And then after you explain their like "Oh..."
My ugly face! (Hahahah. Jesus. I know I've done this face like a million times and I should be used to it...but even I've got to say that this particular instance is shockingly ugly!
Towards the end of the night, I reached into my pocket to get something and realized I was still carrying around the drawing that Grant did of Posh Tony from last month (because every time I was feeling a little down, I'd pull it out and look at it). I got Tony pose with it again to try to gauge the likeness. Hahahaha.
...you can always find ways to keep on drinkin' for free! Hahaha. (By the way, I'm writing this almost two years after this photo was taken and when I recently showed this pic to Mike he just groaned and said "I always knew that picture would come back to haunt me.")
Ellen wanted me to take a picture of her "giving it" to Grant. She got on top of him, grabbed his legs and then just as I was about to take the pic, she threw his legs back and fold-fucked him in half! Hahahaha. Look at the expression on his face! He totally didn't see it coming!
Siege gave us all awesome, limited-edition signed prints! Fatty got this portrait of himself (that was an out-take from Fiasco's first band photo shoot that Siege did).
The funniest part of the night is when I sat down to look something up on Fatty's computer and when I typed in the letters "G" and "I," Fatty's Google history totally sold him out and revealed one of his previous Google searches: "gifts for guys that like guitars with babies" that was clearly from when he used Google to try to figure out what to get his little brother for the holidays. This is fucking priceless and I still laugh every time I see it.
...THIS AMAZING PHOTO! Hahahaha. Holy shit, this pic makes me LOL every time I see it. (Bonus points for the chopsticks standing in as a spear to the ribs!)
That's when we found this gem! Fatty's driver's license from the late, hair-metal 80s. This is back when he was in a band called, and I swear I'm not making this up, Nasty Magic!!!
So it's right after Christmas, and I'd just gotten back in town and after getting settled in, I decided to head out late at night and say hi to some friends. I got to the Darkroom around 3am and right after I'd arrived, look who shows up? Asian Porno Lady! I called her over and asked her to show me some of her "racier" titles. As I was going through the stack of various pirated titles, I came across this one, entitled "The Horse Fucker", and knew she'd just found a new customer. Cha-ching!
Later Sunday night, me, Meredith, John, Ellen and Leigh all shared a cab to go Smith's night. In order to sneak all five of us into the same cab, Leigh had to lay down on everybody's lap and hide from the driver. Here's the sneaky "Look! Four people in the backseat!" photo I took from the front seat. Hahah.
On Wednesday night I hung out with Leigh and she showed off some neat new dress she'd modified by turning the neck-strap into some cool, Motley Crue-looking satanic star. While this is a decidely non-ugly photo, Leigh will make up for that later.
...being an Elite model! Look! It's her model card! This is probably only really funny if you've ever met Ellen (because, for better or worse, everyone has some negative stereotypes about what it means to be "a model" and Ellen lives up to none of them).
On Wednesday night I went to a party at the WiRED store and ended up totally getting sucked into playing two solid hours of MINDBALL. You put on a headband that measures your brainwaves and use it to move the ball towards your opponent. Whomever's able to relax the most wins! Sooo fun! If you've got $22,000 to spare, this would make a great gift!
Grant was so distracted, that he eventually just ended up inviting the guy up on stage. Things got even weirder when he produced a Minnie Mouse hand puppet from out of thin air.
Check out Jessica totally blowin up her best friend's spot by pulling the ol' "get a load of her navel tattoo" finger-point. Hahaha. This photo makes me LOL every single time I look at it. Holy shit, what a great photo. This is exactly the type of thing my guy friends do in photos when they're trying to blow up someone's spot, so it's soooo funny to see two girls that are besties pull this same shit. Hahahaha.
I ended up meeting up with Mikie (who used to live in Japan but has since moved to NYC) and we all left the party to go dancing at MisShapes. Mikie ended up bringing some douchetard along with her from the party who refused to take off his blue-tinted aviator glasses.
Scott Ian from Anthrax!!! First Emilie's boyfriend turns out to be in NIN, and then I end up at a party with Scott Ian??? It's like all the wishes I made back in 1987 finally came true! (Now if I could only get a handjob from Samantha Foxx....)
I figured that Greg would've joined in with Leigh and Geo and stuck with the Moulin Rouge theme, but he opted to dress like that creepy Peter Pan guy instead! Hahaha. (And Alexis was dressed up as Donatella Versace!!! Holy, Bonersville! Hahaha).
An hour or two later, we figured that Misshapes had probably cleared out a bit and decided to head back across the street to check it out. As I was crossing the street, Tinny spotted us all coming out of Movida ("TRAITORS!!!!") and attacked!
Here's the photo that the drawing is based on! Piper the puppy bounding across the carpet at Leigh's house and licking her chops with her huge tongue! (How fucking cute is this photo?)
Here's a pic (stolen from Dens!) of us on the coaster! This was the ride where Dennis discovered he wasn't a huge fan of roller coasters! (The three of us all have our arms in the air and he's holding on for dear life).
As long time readers of this site know, I have a ton of bizarro-lookalikes: but the one that cracks my friends up the most, is the fact that I look quite a bit like Ellen DeGeneres. I was watching her comedy special and paused and thought I'd captured quite a likeness so I took this pic to immortalize it. Hahah.
As we were nearing the Bay Area, there were all of these crazy-colored bodies of water. I'm hoping it's not pollution, but whatever was causing it, it sure was pretty!
And this one's even better! Leigh opened her mouth again to pretend that she was going to eat Piper's head and Piper put her tiny little puppy-paws right in Leigh's mouth. (Go ahead and say "Awwwww!" out loud. You know you want to).
After brunch, Niki found my one of my "secret" books (check out the book's title and Niki's school-teacher expression and try to not laugh) and read excerpts of it out loud to Karen and Kim...
Then Leigh came out to say hi to Piper and kept saying "You're head is so cute and tiny I want to bite it off!" (Look at Piper's expression all like "Yo! WTF?").
The best part about Ming Dynasty is that they're always having to change their "eating policies" because all-you-can-eat places attract really fat people who go there because they want to make sure they get "their money's worth." Check out how they had to amend the sign to reduce the maximum stay down to two hours. Think about that. That means that at some point, enough people would show up, eat, then hang out for like 3 or 4 hours until they were hungry, and then eat again! That's why they had to update this sign!! Incredible!
On Sunday a whole buncha us when to brunch at Kate's and we all fawned over Ellen's brand new chiuaua puppy named Piper that she snuck into the restaurant. Here's Leigh about to chomp her tiny lil' puppy ear off.
All the walls were glass so you could totally lean your head against them and feel like you were going to fall just like that scene from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
I tried my hand at one of those "grabby claw" machines trying to win this awesomely-racist rubber statue of a Chinaman (or woman!) sitting on a toilet that says "Oh! Feel so Good! So Relax!" Sadly, I couldn't manage to hook it with the claw. (Despite my numerous attempts).
You sign up for a song and then when it's your turn to sing, the microphone cord can be slid down this guided-track type thingy to make sure it can reach any seat! It was incredible!
And the best part? You're on a bus and you have a CAPTIVE AUDIENCE! When you sing karaoke at a bar, you have to weigh what you want to sing against what the crowd is likely to tolerate. If you pick a horrible song, everyone will simply go outside and smoke until your song is over. But on a bus, there's no escape. So if you want to sing Believe by Cher (Yes Sean, I'm looking in your direction) there's nothing anybody can do but listen. Hahah.
...the rest of the outfit that Josh had picked out for her! He admonished Leigh for looking to happy and reminded her that she needed to work on her "fly video ho" face.
