On Thursday night I stopped by that speak-easy bar in the Lower East Side (the one that used to be called the Lansky Lounge) and ran into Will McD! It's a running joke that we both look like the bad guys from the movie The Karate Kid, so here we are pulling our best impressions of "Bad Sensei" and "Sweep the Leg Johnny."
On Tuesday night I went to some bar that Leigh was promoting a new party at. Merlin was there for the party, while I was there for the FREE PIZZA! (PS - How much do you love the fact that it looks like we're wearing different colored versions of the SAME WIG!)
That's right! It's ASIAN PORNO LADY! (For any readers who may be new, Asian Porno Lady is an Asian lady (duh!) who goes into East Village bars in the wee hours of the night with a little push cart that contains packs of cheap smokes and hundreds of bootlegged porno DVDs. She announces her arrival by subtly yelling out in a thick Chinese accent: "Smokes! Porno! Cigarettes! Asian Pooooooooor-no!").
...I think it's safe to say that Meredith and my TEAM UGLY FACE prevailed. The best thing about "UGLY FACE" is that it usually always leads to you making friends with people who overhear you laughing and are like "Yo, what the FUCK are you guys doing?" And then after you explain their like "Oh..."
My ugly face! (Hahahah. Jesus. I know I've done this face like a million times and I should be used to it...but even I've got to say that this particular instance is shockingly ugly!
Then I sang. By the serious, woeful look in my eyes, I know that I must have sang about the tragic tale of Ricky's life-long incarceration at the age of 18 after having accidentally shot his friend in a drunken wild night. (For any of you who didn't grow up in NJ or are under the age of 30, I'm talking about Skid Row's epic ballad, 18 and Life.
Same for me. Some nights I can do it no problem, other nights I try and try and wiggle and wiggle, but to no avail. (Look how close I am, though! I'm like an eighth of an inch away!)
And I challenged a black guy to a street race! (He overheard Grant and I arguing who'd win in a foot race and when Grant asked him who he thought would win in a race between the two of us he was like "All I know is I'd definitely beat both of you...because I'm black." Hahahah.) I was like "Oh, you think so? LET'S DO THIS!" He got out of his car, we sent someone down the street to signal the start of the race, and I handed my camera over so that the race could be documented! And then...
...he chickened out! Hey, I don't blame him - he had nothing to gain from the race. If he won, everybody would've been like "Yeah, of course you beat the white guy, YOU'RE BLACK!" But if he lost, then it would've been like "Oh no, you're the black guy that got beat in a foot race BY A WHITE DUDE!" So, hey, I'm not saying I don't understand.
Yep, see? He looks sober in this photo! I also worked with John and Lillian at Modem Media way back when and hadn't seen the two of them in six years either! Happy Birthday, Stoopid Newman! It was great to see you! I ended up catching the 11pm MetroNorth train back to NYC (because Dens got back in the car and drove up to Mt. Snow). After the train ride, I went home to relax for a bit, then around 3am, I decided to swing by Orchard Bar to see what was going on.
I've known her since 1993 (which means she knew me when I had the Steven Segal haircut: Shaved around the sides with a pony-tail in the back! *Shudder!* Hey, it was Jersey in the early nineties! Whaddya want from me?)
Me and the birthday girl - this photo was taken just moments after a huge fight broke out on the dance floor and Sarah ended up getting accidentally clocked in the face. Ooof!
So the big news in February was that I got myself a motherfucking xBox 360. Awwwww, yeah. This was the first thing that I ever bought on eBay (and I didn't even have the patience to do it properly in an auction - I saw one listed for a decent price in one of those "buy it now" auctions and just WENT FOR IT!)
Fast forward one week and I'm back in the same place: down in the basement coat room of Orchard Bar hiding out from the crowds. Except this time, I'm having fun with tape on my face! Woooo!
The next morning, I woke up sick as a dog. (My sickness = Instant karma payback for putting my balls on a stranger's eyebrows). Meredith took this pathetic photo of me at 8pm the next night after I spent the entire day laid up in bed.
Afterwards, I went to Don Hills to catch the end of MisShapes. I was shocked to find Leigh actually DJing when I arrived! It was like the first time I'd been there in months where she wasn't hiding out somewhere!
Jack came into the back room where we were all holed up and was like "Uh, there's a party going on, dudes. Why are you all hiding out in my bedroom by yourselves?" So I explained that we were busy taking dumb pics of ourselves making ugly faces and didn't want to impose our lameness on the rest of the party. Then I showed him this face.
She hypothesized that I was able to make this face because I had "loose neck skin." Which left it up to me to prove that my neck skin wasn't looser than anyone else's.
On Friday night I went to Orchard Bar to for Sarah and Karen's Stolen Transmission party, but it was so crowded that I ended up spending pretty much the entire night down in the basement hiding in the coat check room with Gurj! It seems like this always ends up happening! All weekly parties always end up having some mundane nook that ends up being the secret place that's more fun that the party itself. (Like when MisShapes used to be at Luke and Leroy, the secret space was the back office!)
...and that later that night we went to Jamie's Ball. (Which is the name of my fried Jamie Kirkpatrick's benefit party he holds every year to raise money for testicular cancer after he lost one of his boys to the disease a few years back). I try to go every year - because it's one of the few times of the year I can donate to charity and make testicular double-entendres all night. (But I'm not even the worst offender, check out the Jamie's Ball website and watch the video he's got there).
