Grant and the Fatty on theirs. Now, one thing to keep in mind - the horses we were riding weren't wimpy petting zoo horses that have been ridden by hundreds of people. These horses were broken, but don't get ridden all that often - and when they do get ridden, they're ridden by real cowboys who know how to handle them. So in the beginning, we each had to spend quite a bit of time with our horses pretending like we knew how to act like we were in charge.
I was trying to take a photo of Grant biting the giant "Randy's Donuts" sign but right at the last minute, this big truck came into the pic almost blocking at I had to yell "Go high! Go high!" to even get the Donut in the pic. Mmmmm. Donuts.
So a few minutes later, G and I are sitting in Burger King kicking it with a coupla Whoppers, and this girl with a really great bum walks by. As soon as she'd passed, Grant was like "Get your camera ready! I want to show you what I'd like to do to that chick's ass." And thus came about my new all-time favorite pic of the Man, the legend, the King of Tee-Effing Ass, Grant "Pow, Howdaya Like Me Now" Stoddard.
After my little nappy nap, Grant and I headed down to Eastern Eye to pick up the enormous order of Indian food we'd ordered for dinner (where I managed to snap this sick-ass photo of Grant's superb rendition of the rarely seen sideways variation of the DLR [that's Mr. Lee Roth, to you son] air kick.)
...of Grant giving Fatty one of the best "Wedgie Sneak Attacks" ever captured on film. AWESOME. Less awesome is the fact that I didn't manage to capture the clobbering swing he administered to Grant's leg as he painfully reacted to the friction of a yard's-worth of fabric being zipped through his ass crack.
It was getting pretty late and Shelby, Tymber's roommate, seemed like she was tired and getting ready to go home. Grant sensing that Shelby was going to try to get Tymber to leave early with her, tried to get Shelby in the mix out on the dance floor in hopes that she'd stay a little longer. Check out the Fatty peeping Grant's crafty "Hey, now let's ALL dance together!" move from the sidelines. Smoooooooooth! Hahaha.
As well as the "Hey, it was nice to meet you too" hug. If there was audio, this is where I'd have a clip of the "I did mention I have my own TV show coming out, right?" conversation. Hehehe.
But after the first pic, Grant turned around and gave a Randy "The Macho Man" Savage-style FLEX DOWN! Hahhahaha. (Oh, and here's a lil' treat! It's the hi-res, large version for all you Grant fans out there (mostly dudes, I'm assuming) who are looking for a little "Beefcake Stoddard" desktop wallpaper action.)
How tough is the Fatty in this pic? See that drop off behind Fatty in the pic? That's actually a steep road that leads down to this little tiny part of the penninsula that goes out into the water. We drove down to explore and take a closer look.
Turns out, the highway was way less scary than the little road we'd been riding through town. On the little road, we were forced to ride in the sketchy, pothole ridden shoulder, where we constantly had to worry about cars pulling out in front of us and dogs that were running around in the street. But on the highway there was hardly any traffic and the shoulder was wide and smoothly paved. (By the way, you know you totally love my wind-styled Farrah Fawcett wings. They're the latest in cycling fashion.)
Live Show gets the thumbsdown! Here's us in the parking lot trying to assess the financial damage. Our four Russian "strippers" managed to fleece the four of us for a grand total of €120 in less than 20 minutes! And we still didn't manage to see any heines! We hopped in the car to drive the remaing 1/4 mile back to our resort, and in the moment of silence after we were finished laughing hysterically at what had just happened we all heard Grant say quietly to himself: "Hmmmmm. A hundred Euros, eh?" Hahahahaha.
Tara and I helped him bring all of his stuff back to his apartment, and then in a serious lapse of judgement, Tara agreed to close her eyes and let Grant surprise her - and in this case the surprise was all 10 inches of Jerome.
So check it: This guy's long, braided hair was making Grant all mad. Even though he was standing 10 ft away from the guy Grant was all like "Ew, can you smell it? Can you smell his dirty, braided hair? Ew! I bet it smells!" So I was like, "Why don't you go find out....PUSSY?" So Grant goes over to the guy and I took this great picture of Grant smelling his hair. And then...
...egged on by me cracking up, he got all big balls and got really close and starting sniffing all loud. What my camera didn't capture is Grant almost getting handed a braided-beating when right after the above pic was snapped, the guy turned around all quick and almost caught Grant leaning in and sniffing. The guy wasn't sure exactly what was going on, but he was privy to the fact that he had just missed catching Grant doing something behind his back and wasn't very happy with him. Priceless. (Oh, and by the way, what's with his spray-painted shirt? Is this becoming a stupid trend or something?)
Here's Fatty telling his amazing story (complete with hand gestures) about a Russian girl he'd met through online dating who was only interested in getting her "rear emmissions checked" (if you know what I'm sayin'). Look at Frank's face, he's totally caught in the middle of saying "Duuuuude."
Before David had time to warn him, Grant turned the dial marked "Water Pressure" all the way to the most powerful setting. Check out his priceless expression as his O-ring is almost permanently damaged by a geyser that could give Old Faithful a run for its money.
That is until he got next to her and forced his alcohol-impaired, little eyes to focus for a second. Actually, forget the dim light, s/he's actually pretty hot regardless of what she may (or may not be) packing downstairs.
After months of getting people to willingly pose with my balls, it was time to try something new: getting unsuspecting people to unknowingly pose with my balls. I discreetly whipped out my bag, and grabbed one of our new friends for a picture. I handed off the cam to Seth who totally shit the bed by not managing to get my balls in the pic. Doh! The rest of the guys in the pic (Check out Grant and Franks' faces) were laughing so hard that the girl in the black shirt was totally confused...
The pics of Grant and Fatty's entrees were blurry (not to mention not all that intersting) so why don't we move onto dessert. Shall we? Splendid! Here's Grant with his Crema de Limon Y Queso.
Joanna, Grant's former Nerve intern (and founder of BurningAngel) came down to hang out. She recently started dancing at a Jersey noodie club and is making so much money that after three weeks she was able to buy a new car (which she paid for with a garbage full of money that she brought with her to the dealership). You probably won't realize that I'm not kidding until you see me in three weeks after I'm back from my breast augmentation surgery.
Josh, Grant and myself with Jess and her "two friends." (Dennis Crowley said it best in a recent email: "this may be one of the best photos ever snapped with a digicam.")
...this time he made sure to wear pants that can only be described as "ass-a-liscous!" Grant Stoddard kneels down so he can appreciate it in all its full glory.
Hey! Remember The Ass? (If not, you must take immediately take a time out from this entry to go back and read about him. Just click here, don't worry, it'll open into another window for you.)
All caught up? Well then you're probably thinking to yourself "Wow Brian, how in the world did The Ass (who's real name is Stevie, I'd like to add) end up at your party?" I'm glad you asked.
Most of you know that I work for an online dating company. One of the people who reviews the profiles when they're created came across Stevie's profile and emailed it to my attention. I emailed Stevie through the personals and sent him a link the aforementioned diary entry (when I dragged him out of Lombardi's to photograph his ass). He thought the pics were hilarious so I invited him to the party. And he came! AND..
Special Guest Commentary from Grant Stoddard via IM: "As we learned early on, the main perk of bartending is having total control of the juke box *and* full license to play air guitar along to the metal anthems you select."
(Major bonus points taken away from whoever took this pic and managed to almost crop me completely out while I'm making what looks like it could've been the best "metal face" I've ever pulled. Curse you!)
I got a new camera and the shutter timing is different than my old one - so when I went to snap a pic of Grant doing his now famous DLR Splitkick (David Lee Roth), the camera went off early and I instead captured him making this awesome face.
(PS - This is a true story: One time, Grant and I were down at the Jersey Shore and on the way back home, we stopped at a noody bar in Tom's River called Delilah's Den. We were sitting at the bar/stage chatting. One of the dancers came over and struck up a conversation with Grant. She asked where he lived, and after he told her "Chinatown, in Manhattan." She replied, "Oh, yeah. I guess I can kind of see that in your eyes." Seriously, true story.)
Stingy Lulu's has these cross-dressing lounge singers that jump all over the place and harrass the shit outta all the people trying to eat. But yo, check out her face - is that some scary Planet of the Apes shit or what?
So after we leave, who do we see sitting on the sidewalk just a few feet from the broken door slumped against the building next to a pile of his own vomit? (Suddenly his little, matching denin Osh-Gosh-esque outfit seemed apropo). That's right, it's the evil door kicker! Regardless of the rough shape he was in, he was still a good enough sport to wipe the puke from his chin and coldlamp for this supremely awesome pic.
One night when we were out like two years ago, Grant busted out his impressoin of "Molly Ringwald in every 80's movie" dance-move and cracked us all up. But ever since then, everytime he tries to dance, he inadvertently ends up doing the same Molly Ringwald dance - it just happens and he can't seem to stop. For once, the total and complete gayness that said dance move conjures, worked in his favor. You go, girlfriend!
Grant tries to get some stranger into the true DLR (that's David Lee Roth) spirit of things by doing a toe-touch jump in the beginning of his performance of Van Halen's "Panama."
For those of you who don't live here, Crazy Pomodoro Guy is our loving nickname for a guy named Jack. He stands right outside our office on the corner of Broadway and Spring all day holding a sign that advertises Pomodoro Pizza. He fucking rules.
Bwa-hahahaha! Here's Grant surreptitiously giving Alex the ol' "Get a Load of This Guy" face for the cam. (Bonus points to the guy over Grant's right shoulder laying down the double-ironic "Who does this guy think he is making fun of that other guy" face. Ha!)
I retaliated with this drawing that pretty much upset Grant for the rest of the night. ("I don't really look like that, do I? Dude! C'mon! Seriously, I don't look like that, right?")
