On Saturday I went out, stayed up too late, drank too much, acted like an idiot, and paid the price the next morning. Ouch.
Saturday, January 21st
On Saturday morning Grant come to my apartment bearing good news! After months of back and forth negotiations, his book contract with Harper Collins had been finalized! By the way, if you like this site at all you should really do yourself a favor and buy Grant's book! It's called Working Stiff and it's awesome. (Not to be confused the other, er, book called Working Stiff).
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grant
contract
We celebrated by watching a seasons 1 & 2 marathon of Peep Show, which is hands-down, my favorite television show of ALL TIME (I like it even more than I like Curb Your Enthusiasm or The Office (UK), and that's saying a lot). It's about two former college roommates in their late 20s who still live together. One's a junior executive at a credit company, the other is an aspiring "alternative electronic musician." If you haven't seen this show yet, do yourself a favor and buy it or download it now! (They've since put out another 2 seasons and the 5th starts in the spring!).
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peep show
Let's hear it for Super Hans! We finished the marathon around 1:30am and decided to head a few blocks down the street to check out...
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peep show
...a party Jack Dolgen was throwing at his recently renovated apartment! Here's Smiley and Squinty hoisting drinks.
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grant
me
blue steel
A little while after we'd arrived, Ellen Stagg showed up with her friend...
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ellen stagg
wink
...Missy! Somehow, the four of us started talking about tongues and I wanted to see if anyone could touch their tongue to the tip of their nose.
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missy
Ellen didn't come close.
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ellen stagg
tongue
Neither did Grant.
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grant
tongue
Missy got really close, but couldn't manage the last eighth of an inch! (I didn't even bother trying because my tongue is so short I can barely get my top lip wet).
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missy
tongue
Then, Ellen made this face and a full-on "make the ugliest face you can" contest broke out!
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ellen stagg
ugly face
Grant gave his own interpretation of Ellen's "diagonal mouth" and reversed the direction!
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grant
ugly face
Grant gives Missy "pignose."
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grant
missy
ugly face
Just because you don't want to willingly participate in an ugly face contest doesn't necessarily mean that you're off the hook. Hahah.
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me
missy
tongue
ugly face
Grant upped the ante and busted out his famous "check out my skull" move...
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grant
teeth
ugly face
...and when Ellen countered with the same face, it was clear that was turning into an "any ugly face you can make I can make better" SHOWDOWN!
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ellen stagg
teeth
ugly face
It was a monkey verses...
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ellen stagg
monkey
ugly face
...fierce kitty-cat deathmatch!
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grant
ugly face
Then a mythical creature showed up and confused everyone into no longer making faces.
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missy
ugly face
I made my trademark "disappearing chin" face and Missy was awestruck by the wrinkles of skin that were bunching up around my (missing!) jawline.
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me
ugly face
She hypothesized that I was able to make this face because I had "loose neck skin." Which left it up to me to prove that my neck skin wasn't looser than anyone else's.
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me
neck
Me: "See? If you pull hard enough, anyone's neck will do that!"
Missy: "Eeeeenghhhh! Let go!"
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missy
neck
After I let go, Ellen wanted to try stretching Missy's neck skin as well. Hahaha.
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missy
neck
After the face-making was over, Ellen showed off her new "stag horns" tattoo she'd recently gotten.
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ellen stagg
boobs
tattoo
Then Grant mocked Jack's book collection (this coming from a guy who hasn't read a book besides his own in like three years).
tags:
grant
book
get a load of this guy
Jack came into the back room where we were all holed up and was like "Uh, there's a party going on, dudes. Why are you all hiding out in my bedroom by yourselves?" So I explained that we were busy taking dumb pics of ourselves making ugly faces and didn't want to impose our lameness on the rest of the party. Then I showed him this face.
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me
ugly face
Jack was immediately like "Sweet! Let me me try!" This is a pretty excellent first attempt at an ugly face! He even managed to make one of his eyes drift off a bit. (Unless he's not doing that on purpose - in which case, I'm sorry for mentioning it, Jack). And thanks for inviting us to your party!
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jack dolgen
ugly face
Two of Jack's lady friends that were there also wanted in on the action. I took a bunch of pictures of this girl, and this is the ugliest one she managed. (Boooo!)
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ugly face
Her friend was even worse! She'd make a face and then right as I was about to take a photo of it, she'd stop and just be all normal and smiling.
This is her best ugly-face. (Pretty disappointing if you ask me).
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ugly face
A little past 3am, we noticed that Jack had a really cool circular, convex mirror hanging over his bed (Oooh, kinky!).
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ellen stagg
grant
mirror
So the three of us piled onto it and started taking more stupid photos.
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ellen stagg
grant
me
mirror
Ellen wanted me to take a picture of her "giving it" to Grant. She got on top of him, grabbed his legs and then just as I was about to take the pic, she threw his legs back and fold-fucked him in half! Hahahaha. Look at the expression on his face! He totally didn't see it coming!
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ellen stagg
grant
best
mirror
But by the second photo, he'd recovered from his surprise and was along for the ride.
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ellen stagg
grant
mirror
Check her out pulling his head back. Hahaha. These photos all still make me LOL.
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ellen stagg
grant
mirror
First you smack the ass...
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ellen stagg
grant
mirror
...then you rim that ass. Hahaha.
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ellen stagg
grant
mirror
rim
Afterwards, we all asked to see Ellen's tattoo again because...well, mostly because we both wanted to see the awesome bottoms of her boobies again.
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ellen stagg
boobs
tattoo
Before we left Jack's party, Grant told me that he had to use the bathroom. He came out 10 minutes later and when I asked him what took so long, he told me that he had to give himself "a haircut." Before I could even ask what he was talking about...
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trimmer
...he pulled his jeans down to show his freshly shorn pubis and started laughing manically. And that, should pretty much sum up why you should never leave an unattended Grant Stoddard in your bathroom (or let him see your book collection). Sorry Jack!
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pubes
shaved
Down in the lobby of Jack's building we found a huge picture frame that someone was throwing out (er, we hope!) and we brought it outside with us...
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ellen stagg
frame
...so we could take some family portraits together with it! Hahaha.
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ellen stagg
grant
me
missy
frame
In this version we managed to hide ourselves completely in the frame so that it looks like we're a 2-D picture!
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ellen stagg
grant
me
missy
frame
Afterwards, I went to Don Hills to catch the end of MisShapes. I was shocked to find Leigh actually DJing when I arrived! It was like the first time I'd been there in months where she wasn't hiding out somewhere!
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leigh
me
dj
misshapes
Hahaha.
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leigh
dj
misshapes
ugly face
I ran into Josh and asked him to give me his ugliest face. He took a moment to compose himself, and then busted out with...
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josh m
misshapes
...THIS! Hahahahaha. Holy fucking shit! This is the hands-down winner. It's going to be tough for anyone to EVER top this one.
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josh m
misshapes
Lauren Flax was there...
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lauren flax
misshapes
...rolling with her biddies!
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lauren flax
misshapes
Around 4:30am, the place was pretty much cleared out, but Josh and I found this one dude that was totally passed out.
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josh m
misshapes
passed out
Josh, who knew what was about to happen to this poor sleeping gent, tried to be a nice guy and rouse him from his slumber. But to no avail.
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josh m
misshapes
passed out
Motherfucker was passed out COLD. Which means it was time for A BRAINING!
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eyebrows
passed out
"Mission control, do you read? We're coming in for a landing. Contact in 5....4....3....2...."
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brained
eyebrows
misshapes
passed out
"Houston...we have touchdown! I repeat: touchdown! We've made contact with THE BROWS!"
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brained
eyebrows
misshapes
passed out
I asked Scott (aka - the MisShapes photographer who took most of the photos that ended up in the MisShapes book!) to give me some uggz.
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scott m
misshapes
ugly face
Nice!
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scott m
misshapes
ugly face
Leigh came over and got in the mix.
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leigh
misshapes
Hahaha.
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leigh
misshapes
tongue
ugly face
Excellent use of the "floater eye!"
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leigh
misshapes
ugly face
wonky
Chubb-neck!
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leigh
misshapes
tongue
ugly face
All together now!
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leigh
scott m
tongue
ugly face
Sunday, January 22nd
The next morning, I woke up sick as a dog. (My sickness = Instant karma payback for putting my balls on a stranger's eyebrows). Meredith took this pathetic photo of me at 8pm the next night after I spent the entire day laid up in bed.
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me
bed
sick
Luckily, I had this little monkey to take care of me. Thank you, monkey.
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me
meredith
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