blinging bat mitzvahs & misshapes

april 3, 2004

Grant was commissioned by (the uber swanky) Flaunt Magazine to write about Jewish parents who spend excessive amounts of money on their children's bar or bat mitzvahs. The piece was tentively to be titled Bling-bling Bar Mitzvahs. Flaunt was considering several photographers to take the accompanying photos to Grant's piece and I asked Grant if he'd be willing to submit my photo portfolio for their consideration. He did and (somehow!) I was picked as the photographer! The piece had a tight deadline and we only had a few weeks to try and find two or three extravagant bar or bat mitzvahs that had to be: 1) local 2) totally extravagant and 3) thrown by parents willing us to schmucks attend it for the sake of covering it for a magazine they'd probably never heard of (and the fact that the magazine is called Flaunt didn't exactly help during the pitch). After hours on the phone, I finally found an event planning company that specialized in bar and bat mitzvahs that was willing to put me in touch with a set of their clients. I pitched Dr. Len Brenner and his wife the idea and they dug it and invited Grant and I to attend their daughter Amara's fancy bat mitzvah out in Cedarhurst (Long Island, baby) NY. (In the end, the Flaunt editor we were working with left the magazine a week later and the piece got killed, but I've gone ahead and included a few of the pics I took for posterity's sake). Here's the Grizza and I all gussied up headed out to Strong Island in our rental car. Cedarhurst is mostly inhabited by Orthodox and Modern Orthodox Jews. Needless to say, there wasn't much traffic to worry about in town on a Saturday. And hey, it's Shula's Kosher Pizza! Ok, now I've switched over to my "fancy cam." Here's Grant inside the bat mitzvah reception. We'd been assured by both the party planners and the Brenner parents that the party was going to be totally over the top. We got there, and while the place was fancy and there was an impressive spread of food, we were mildly disappointed. Beyond the bevy of be-sequined blouse-wearing grandmas (as seen here in the background) there wasn't much bling to be found. Here's another view of the reception. Grant took out his recorder and tried to strike up a few conversations while I worked on kicking the buffet's ass and half-heartedly snapping photos between mouthfuls. Just when we were beginning to think that it was a wash and that Flaunt was going to tell us that this event wasn't "bling" enough, this crazy techno music started pumping and the entire back wall of the room that we were in (the one above with the painting on it), split in half and was rolled away to reveal an enormous room behind it with the mother of all blinging bat mitzvah receptions in full effect behind it. The room beyond was decorated in a "neighborhoods of New York City" theme. Each table bore the name of a different area of the city and had food and decorations to match...Little Italy, Chinatown, Times Square, etc. In addition to the food, there were dancers and singers from all sorts of different Broadway plays and musicals. Here's Amara, the girl of honor. Mazel tov! Here she is with some of the Broadway performers. And here she is cutting the bread with her grandfather. Challah! (This is one of my fave pics). Then it was time for Hava Neglia (it's a song and each member of the family is put in a chair and bounced up and down while everyone dances around them in concentric circles. Here's baby brother. And then mom. And here's Dr. Len Brenner. This guy was awesome. He totally went out of his way to attend to Grant and I and make sure that we were having fun and felt included. When we thanked him he simply said that it was a happy day for his family and he was glad we were there to share it. Thanks again, Dr. Brenner! Sorry the piece got killed! Crowd dancing. The Grizza finally getting his gold lame hat party on. Dr. Brenner with (an uncle?) that was crazy tall. Father and daughter. Amara's friends. Old people getting crazy on the dance floor with inflatable props. Woo! Cutting rug with more inflatable instruments (ps - Is that Montgomery Burns on the right?) Oh, and in case you were wondering what ever happened to Hulk Hogan... ...the mystery's been solved. The Brenners! Ganse Mishpochah! (I think that's Yiddish for "the whole family" but I"I'm not positive. In college I took a Yiddish Literature class and my teacher referred to his family with that phrase and that's what I took it to mean. But for all I know it means "the deranged lunatics."). Thanks again for having us and making us feel so welcome! We had a great time! After we got back to NYC and returned the rental car, I went home to take a nap (to sleep off the four straight hours of eating I'd done at the bat mitzvah). Later that night, I walked two blocks to M Bar to meet up with Bev Chase and her friend Jessica (who also went to our high school but was a few years younger and I didn't know her). Then Vin and Liza showed up! Woo! Did I forget to mention that they had an already-wasted Marco in tow with them? Here he is half-posing, half-sleeping with Bev's friend Jessica. Too bad you think he's kidding. Marco kept asking me "Yo, what's the deal with your friend Bev? What's the deal?" I was like "Uh, she's engaged." He just shrugged and when right back to his smoove routine which Bev didn't even acknowledge. It was like watching a ghost (ok, a brown ghost) make out with a woman who wasn't even aware of his existence. Amazing. After M Bar, we bid Bev and Jessica goodbye and headed over to Misshapes to shake our bums. Here's Vin. Bum shakin. We ran into Julia Li (Vin's ex-girlfriend from waaaaaaaay back in the day). And her friend Kristin. And Counter and Susan who did the whole "we are pretending to French" thing... ...before finally getting it on fo' real. Me and Lauren Flax (who you may remember as the girl responsible for introducing me to the much beloved Tara) "Hey, remember when we used to, uhh, do it?" Here's Leigh, who I had a huge crush on but hardly knew at this point because I was playing "hard to get," (also known as "being a huge pussy") after a dance floor mishap. Homeboy might've fallen, but saved himself from a party foul violation by managing to not spill a drop of his motherfucking drink. Sean also managed to fall and not spill his drink. However, a serious party violation was issued for his decision to wear a neckerchief. The night wore on and the place started to clear out, but we all kept on dancing. I thought I was being all sneaky trying to capture picture of Vin "in action" practically by himself on the dance floor. And then just when I was about to snap my second photo, he came to a dead-stop, planted his feet and flipped me the double bird. So sneaky! Marco called us over to pose with some drunk guy that had passed out sitting up. That was a fatal mistake. The only time you should ever call attention to somebody that's passed out is when you're totally sober and there's no chance of you yourself passing out. Because otherwise that shit can come back at you faster than a boomerang. Case in point - not more than 20 minutes later, Vin called us over after he discovered Marco totally slumped over and passed out in the corner. Hahaha. The face slap! And then the "I kiss you and make it better!" Here's Vin lifting up Marco's head so that the camera can see how pretty he is! Pretty!  (added on 11.30.2004)

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