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So my friend Grant writes a colum for Nerve.com called "I
Did it For Sciece" in which he gets dispatched once a month to
try something vaguely (or sometimes explicitly) sexual and then writes
it up in the
format of a 7th grade science lab report. For
his August column, he had to take the top ten winners from Nerve's
Pick-up Line Contest and try them out on girls at a bar.
When Michael Martin, Nerve's
editor, overheard that I had a plus-one invite to the Ford
Modeling Agency's Anniversary party, Grant's fate was sealed: not
only would he have to try out the pick up lines on actual live girls,
he'd have
to try them out on actual live girls supermodel girls - sneering down
at him from their high-heeled tower of hotness! Here we
go!
Grant was
very nervous about having to deliver a bunch of corny (and in some
cases outright offensive) lines to a gaggle of models, so Carrie offered
to help out by letting him practice them on her at the office. Check
out Carrie feigning modelesque-indifference as she puffs her imaginary
Gauloise.
Here are just a few of the choice lines he was rehearsing:
"I'm
going outside to make out. Care to join me?"
"Honey, your dad doesn't have a penis. He's got a paintbrush!"
"You
give me the hardest semi I have ever had."
"Hey
baby, wanna go halfsies on a bastard child?"
And let's not forget my personal favorite:
"You
are, by far, the most interesting piece of ass i've talked to all
evening."
Yeah, all of a sudden his trepidation is starting to make a little
more sense, right?
I met up with a well-liquored Grant on 2nd & 2nd and we walked up
to meet Vinay outside of Plaid on 13th & 4th (actually "well-liquored"
is probably a bit of an understatement considering he almost threw
up
on the walk
up).
Suckas waiting in line.
Within in seconds of entering the party we ran into Grant's former
supermodel roommate, Viola (who you may remember as host of ridiculous
Halloween parties in both 2001 and 2002).
After we cleared up the confusion ("How did you three clowns get
allowed
in here?"), Grant explained his assignment and asked Viola how he
thought his pick up lines would go over with some of the other female
party attendees. She goes, "Probably somthing like...."
"...THIS!"
"So, Stephanie . . . when you gonna let me up in them guts?"
KERRRR-RACK! (After you're done laughing at her
amazing expression, take a second to realize how friggin tall this
woman is [keeping
in mind that she's half bent-over in this pic]).
Death by Glamazon. Sign me up.
Oy vey.
Shortly after, Viola and her crew took off (probably becaues the
likes of us were getting let into the place). Grant ordered another
steep G&T
in preparation for the much more difficult task of trying the same
lines
on girls
that
he's never lived with.
A few moments later, I saw this girl Ali I know (whom Grant had
never met) over by the bar - I brought Grant over and introduced
him and
took
a few
steps
back
to
let him
work his magic...
""How would you like your eggs in the morning, scrambled
or fertilized?"
CHA-CHING!
Success!
Before I get going on these next few photos let me pre-emptively,
in Grant's defense, point out that these pictures all look super-bright
because of my camera's flash - in actuality, the club was very dimly
lit, which is probably why Grant didn't realize that the "superhot
black chick" (his words) he was trying to chat up was actually...
...a DUDE! Right after he was done kissing her (er, his?) GIANT hand...I
pulled him aside and was like "You know that Aerosmith song
'Dude, Looks Like a Lady,' right?" Grant: "Um, yeah. Why?" Me,
nudging him and nodding at the girl he'd just been chatting up. At
first he was all like "Nooooo
way."
That is until he got next to her and forced his alcohol-impaired,
little eyes to focus for a second. Actually, forget the dim light,
s/he's actually
pretty hot regardless of what she may (or may not be) packing downstairs.
Kudos to the surgeon!
Grant and Vin.
"Look. I hope you won't take this as any sort of 'line,' but there
literally is a party in my pants, and you actually are invited. I
know how it sounds . . . "
This girl took it to heart and decided to look for the
party herself.
So check this out: the previous night I was at a party at a place called Capitale
and I met, Laure (the girl on the right), a Parisian living in New York for the
summer. She told me that the next day was her birthday - I got her number and
told her
that I'd love to meet up with her should she decide to hit the town for her birthday.
Long story short, she called me the next day and agreed to come meet us at Plaid
with, in her words, "a cute girl and two guys." So Laure showed up
with Louise (the girl on the left)...
...and two guys: Pascal and Nicolas - who in the most randomest coincidence
of
all time were fans of this website! It turns out Pascal and Nicolas
work
for
a
French
wine company that had done business with Nerve and one day while Google-searching
for
information on Nerve, they came across my site and ended up reading most of it.
So when Laure went to introduce Grant and myself to them,
they were like "We already know zeese guys! Zey are cuh-razy!"
I tried to give Nicolas the old "check out this character" finger-point,
but Frenchy was all studied-up on my moves and managed to counter
with his very own "Ooo does zeese guy theenk ee iz?" finger
right back at me. Damn, he's good.
After a few drinks, there was a...
...whole lotta smooching going on!
Including...that's right! Looks like the despite their earlier misunderstanding,
Grant and Beyonce's older brother were ready to patch things up.
"Wow! Now that eez tres transexual taboo!"
Yay, Frenchgirls!
Holy shit, is that a gangsign Pascal's throwing down in the middle?
These guys have been reading my site!
Grant's nearing the bottom of his sixth or seventh gin and tonic
so I'm not sure if he's telling Vin something funny or tonguing
his ear.
I don't even know what the story is here.
Vin cold-kicking it on the dancefloor.
Why is it that when Grant get's really drunk he always ends up doing
color-coordinated
dance-duets with strange women?
Vin, Grizzle, Pascal, Nicolas, Laure and moi.
Third Avenue McDonald's: 4am. I used Photoshop to remove that big
old dollop of Special Sauce on Vin's face, but the picture just
wasn't the same without it - so I put it back in.
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