my 27th birthday party

august 8, 2003

Another birthday already? Man alive, where in the world does the time go? Instead of having a big party like last year, for the big two-seven I decided to keep it simple: just a few drinks out with some good friends (which led to an unexpected reunion with a very special lady from my past). Thursday, August 7th On the day before my birthday, my mom and dad came into New York City (from Jersey) and took Grant, Tara and myself out for a birthday dinner at Epicurie in the LES. At dinner, Grant manned the camera and managed to snap a pic of me opening my birthday card... ...and one of me displaying my Jersey Shore Salt Water Birthday Taffy (and then my camera died - which is why there are no more pics from this night). Friday, August 8th On my actual bday, Grant, Michael and myself paid my good friend Dave a visit for a little birthday lunch treat. And on the way back to the office I ran into Jack (the Sign-Holder Formerly known as "Crazy Pomodoro Guy") who wished me a happy birthday! And to top all of that, after work Tara invited me over for homemade birthday cupcakes! Woooo! After cupcakes, Tara and I headed out to Williamsburg to meet up with Grant and the Fatty to see Fatty's former roommate's band play a show at North 7th. After the show, Tara gave Fatty a piggyback ride... ...over to meet up with a bunch of my friends at Rosemary's Greenpoint Tavern. There's Marco in the foreground. Vin and Tara! The Fatty (looking like a zombie from out of "The Night of the Living Dead") me, Vin (making the bestest face ever) and GrizzleMyNizzle. Tara getting crowned as the "Luckiest Girl in the Whole World." Vin, me, and Vin's hat. Westsiiiiiiiiide, boy. After I spotted this cute girl across the room, I staked out the area near the bathrooms...sure enough, she eventually had to pee and when she came out of the bathroom - I made my move... And informed her that as a BirthdayBoy it was my undeniable right to get a kiss. First off, I can't believe this worked. Secondly, she didn't even ask to see any proof! (It's been my birthday almost every night since. Awwww, yeah). Oh, I forgot to mention, shortly before we arrived at the bar, some huge guy in the Marines was kidding around outside and accidentally threw a hipster through the 8' x 4' plate-glass window. Man, oh, man - what I wouldn't have given to have seen it first hand. So I'm stanind over at the bar, talking to Dave Grois the Ladies Choice and all of sudden I see a very familiar figure cutting through the crowd like a hot knife, make that a hot chocolate knife, through a stick of butter... That's right y'all, it's Frances. For those of you not in the know, Frances is the the sixty-seven year old bar-back at Rosemary's Tavern. If you don't know her from when we danced dirty at my "Goodbye Brooklyn" party back in April of 2002, do yourself a favor and familiarize yourself with the background to this story right now. (Don't worry, it'll open a new window and when you're done you can just close it and you'll be right back here, kay?) Okay, all caught up? Good. So after dancing a bit with Frances and catching up... ...she went back over to the bar to enjoy her drink (on Vin's lap, no less). We also randomly ran into this guy who recognized all of us from this site reading this site which was great! I love meeting total strangers. (Unfortunately, I forgot your name. So if you ever see this, email me!) So a few minutes later, I go back out on the dancefloor with Frances and the next thing you know we're dancing up a storm. We're all shakin' our bums and she's all holdin' my face... ...and then the next thing I know, out of the blue, she's giving my bum the old double-handed grab. (I mean, check out her expression, she's making the "ooooooh" face and everything. Bonus points to Grant for catching this shit with the cam). Unfazed by all the grab-ass, I kept on dancing with her - and then, while she was dancing behind me a few minutes later, Fraces, a sixty-seven year old woman, a senior citizen for God's sake, full-on reached around and grabbed my junk. With both hands. I reported back to Grant who at first, didn't believe me. Conversation went something like this: Me: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude! Grant: What? Me: Frances just grabbed my dick! Grant (confused): What do you mean? Me: What do you mean 'What do I mean?' I mean, she GRABBED MY DICK! Grant: No way. Me: Yes way. Grant: Really? Me: Yes, I think she totally wants to make out with me! Grant: She wouldn't make out with you! And you wouldn't make out with her! Me: Sure I would, why not? Grant (angered): NO FUCKING WAY! YOU WOULDN'T! Me (confused): Um, yes I would. Grant (exasperated): DUDE! She's an OLD LADY! Me: So? Grant: There's NO WAY in the world you'd make out with her! NO WAY! Me: Well, I mean I'm not gonna take her out back and give her stinky pinky or anything, but I'd kiss her. Grant: YOU WOULD NOT KISS HER! SHUT UP! Me: Yes I would. Grant: I'll bet you anything you won't kiss her. Me: Okay, like what? Grant: I bet you dinner at Peter Luger's Steakhouse! Me: If I kiss her you'll buy me a full dinner at Peter Luger's? Grant: Yes. Me: All I have to do is kiss Frances? Grant: With TONGUE! Me: Done. Shake on it. And with those words, and a handshake to seal the deal - I walked over to Frances and... ...tongue kissed a sixty-seven year old woman. Right after the kiss, I did a quick calculation and realized that if this was my 27th birthday, it meant Frances was just over FORTY YEARS OLDER THAN ME! While I reeled in shock, Frances told the sickened onlookers that "Damn, white boy can kiss!" (Check out the dude in the background staring in utter disbelief) Special Bonus: Fatty managed to capture the kiss in a movie! I can't figure out how to rotate video, so lean your head left and click here: TheKiss.avi (459k) As a sign of good faith in Grant honoring the bet we made, here's a placeholder link for Dinner at Peter Luger's. (coming soon!) Tara's reaction to "The Kiss." Afterwards, we went right back to cutting rug. Awwww, yeah. Happy Birthday to me! Vin tipping his hat to the t-shirt of wisdom behind him. After my makeout sesh with Frances, Grant, Tara, Fatty and I hopped into a cab and headed to B-Side in Manhattan. Bestest friends ever. Check it out y'all: BASS CLEFF! Thanks guys - I had an amazing night (and thank you too, Frances *wink*)!

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