My best friend Grant writes a column for Nerve.com called "I Did it For Science" in which he gets dispatched once a month to try something vaguely (or sometimes explicitly) sexual and then writes it up in the format of a 7th grade science lab report. For his August column, he had to take the top ten winners from Nerve's Pick-up Line Contest and try them out on girls at a bar.
When Michael Martin, Nerve's editor, overheard that I had a plus-one invite to the Ford Modeling Agency's Anniversary party, Grant's fate was sealed: not only would he have to try out the pick up lines on actual girls, he'd have to try them out on actual supermodel girls - sneering down at him from their high-heeled tower of hotness! Here we go!
Grant was very nervous about having to deliver a bunch of corny (and in some cases outright offensive) lines to a gaggle of models, so Carrie offered to help out by letting him practice them on her at the office. Check out Carrie feigning modelesque-indifference as she puffs her imaginary Gauloise.
Here are just a few of the choice lines he was rehearsing:
"I'm going outside to make out. Care to join me?"
"Honey, your dad doesn't have a penis. He's got a paintbrush!"
"You give me the hardest semi I have ever had."
"Hey baby, wanna go halfsies on a bastard child?"
And let's not forget my personal favorite:
"You are, by far, the most interesting piece of ass i've talked to all evening."
Yeah, all of a sudden his trepidation is starting to make a little more sense, right? tags:carrie
grant
nerve.com
I met up with a well-liquored Grant on 2nd & 2nd and we walked up to meet Vinay outside of Plaid on 13th & 4th (actually "well-liquored" is probably a bit of an understatement considering he almost threw up on the walk up). tags:grant
me
vin
Suckas waiting in line. tags:plaid
Within in seconds of entering the party we ran into Grant's former supermodel roommate, Viola (who you may remember as host of ridiculous Halloween parties in both 2001 and 2002). After we cleared up the confusion ("How did you three clowns get allowed in here?"), Grant explained his assignment and asked Viola how he thought his pick up lines would go over with some of the other female party attendees. She goes, "Probably somthing like...." tags:grant
viola haqi
"...THIS!" tags:grant
viola haqi
smack
"So, Daniella. . . when you gonna let me up in them guts?" tags:daniella van graas
grant
sorta famous
KERRRR-RACK! (After you're done laughing at her amazing expression, take a second to realize how friggin tall this woman is [keeping in mind that she's half bent-over in this pic]). tags:daniella van graas
grant
smack
sorta famous
Death by Glamazon. Sign me up tags:daniella van graas
grant
viola haqi
best
choke
sorta famous
Oy vey. tags:daniella van graas
grant
me
viola haqi
sorta famous
Shortly after, Viola and her crew took off (probably becaues the likes of us were getting let into the place). Grant ordered another steep G&T in preparation for the much more difficult task of trying the same lines on girls that he's never lived with. tags:grant
vin
drunk
A few moments later, I saw this girl Ali I know (whom Grant had never met) over by the bar and told her I wanted to introduce her to buddy Grant. tags:ali
me
I brought Grant over and introduced him and took a few steps back to let him work his magic... tags:ali
grant
mackin
"How would you like your eggs in the morning, scrambled or fertilized?"
tags:ali
grant
mackin
CHA-CHING! tags:ali
grant
laugh
Success!
tags:grant
me
thumbs up
Before I get going on these next few photos let me pre-emptively, in Grant's defense, point out that these pictures all look super-bright because of my camera's flash - in actuality, the club was very dimly lit, which is probably why Grant didn't realize that the "superhot black chick" (his words) he was trying to chat up was actually... tags:grant
mackin
tranny
...a DUDE! Right after he was done kissing her (er, his?) GIANT hand...I pulled him aside and was like "You know that Aerosmith song 'Dude, Looks Like a Lady,' right?" Grant: "Um, yeah. Why?" Me, nudging him and nodding at the girl he'd just been chatting up. At first he was all like "Nooooo way." tags:grant
kiss
tranny
That is until he got next to her and forced his alcohol-impaired, little eyes to focus for a second. Actually, forget the dim light, s/he's actually pretty hot regardless of what she may (or may not be) packing downstairs. tags:grant
me
best
tranny
Grant and Vin. tags:grant
vin
"Look. I hope you won't take this as any sort of 'line,' but there literally is a party in my pants, and you actually are invited. I know how it sounds . . . " tags:grant
mackin
This girl took it to heart and decided to look for the party herself.
So check this out: the previous night I was at a party at a place called Capitale and I met, Laure (the girl on the right), a Parisian living in New York for the summer. She told me that the next day was her birthday - I got her number and told her that I'd love to meet up with her should she decide to hit the town for her birthday. Long story short, she called me the next day and agreed to come meet us at Plaid with, in her words, "a cute girl and two guys." So Laure showed up with Louise (the girl on the left)...
tags:laure
louise
french girls
...and two guys: Pascal and Nicolas - who in the most randomest coincidence of all time were fans of this website! It turns out Pascal and Nicolas work for a French wine company that had done business with Nerve and one day while Google-searching for information on Nerve, they came across my site and ended up reading most of it. So when Laure went to introduce Grant and myself to them, they were like "We already know zeese guys! Zey are cuh-razy!" tags:grant
me
nicolas
get a load of this guy
I tried to give Nicolas the old "check out this character" finger-point, but Frenchy was all studied-up on my moves and managed to counter with his very own "Ooo does zeese guy theenk ee iz?" finger right back at me. Damn, he's good. tags:nicolas
get a load of this guy
After a few drinks, there was a... tags:laure
me
...whole lotta smooching going on! tags:grant
louise
kiss
Including...that's right! Looks like the despite their earlier misunderstanding, Grant and Beyonce's older brother were ready to patch things up. tags:beyonce
grant
tranny
"Wow! Now that eez tres transexual taboo!" tags:grant
louise
Yay, Frenchgirls! tags:laure
me
dance
Holy shit, is that a gangsign Pascal's throwing down in the middle? These guys really have been reading my site! tags:grant
nicolas
pascal
best
gang signs
Grant's nearing the bottom of his sixth or seventh gin and tonic so I'm not sure if he's telling Vin something funny or tonguing his ear. tags:grant
vin
I don't even know what the story is here. Is she sucking your bottom lip?
tags:grant
kiss
mackin
strangers
Vin cold-kicking it on the dancefloor. tags:vin
dance
Why is it that when Grant get's really drunk he always ends up doing color-coordinated dance-duets with strange women? tags:grant
best
dance
Vin, Grizzle, Pascal, Nicolas, Laure and moi. tags:grant
laure
me
nicolas
pascal
vin
Third Avenue McDonald's: 4am. I used Photoshop to remove that big old dollop of Special Sauce on Vin's face, but the picture just wasn't the same without it - so I put it back in. tags:vin
mcdonalds
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best
choke
dance
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get a load of this guy
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