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Yep,
that's right, I grew up in tha EnJay (that's the Garden State, mind
you), I'm not embarrassed to admit it. But now that I look through all
the pictures in this entry, I'm beginning to think that maybe I should
be embarrassed.
Anyway,
my parents bought a little, tiny summer house down in Lavalette, NJ
(the town on the mainland of New Jersey across from Long Beach Island).
So I took a Friday off of work to head down there, hang out with my
little brother (who was in town from Indiana) and celebrate my parents
32nd wedding anniversary (holy crap). So I went to beach with my family
and all my cousins, but I left my camera at the house! So there aren't
any pictures of my insane immediate family here (if you want to see
those clowns, you can just click
here). Okay, on with the pics.
Friday Night
This is my brother's friend Sean Talty. When I showed up that evening,
my brother had like 12 of his friends at the house but Talt was one
of the only one's still up.
Oh, except for Bob (who apparently wears hospital clothes when he's
just lounging around and kicking it). I asked him what's up with the
shirt and he told me it was because his chest hurt. So I asked him,
"So Bob, why does your chest hurt?" He goes, "Oh, because
my mom's friend is a beautician who's trying to get her license."
So I'm like, "What does that have to do with your chest hurting?"
And Bob proceeds to tell me "Well, my mom told me that before her
friend can pass her test, she's going to need to practice waxing things..."
I suddenly saw where this story was going...
Yep, that's right, going right towards seeing Bob's big belly broken
out in rashy, ingrown-hair, hives from an amateur waxing gone awry.
What's up, ouch!
After Bob put his shirt back on (and then after I finished shuddering
in the corner and hugging myself) I drove across the bridge from Lavalette
over to Long Beach Island to meet up with my cousin Steve (He's a Battjer
too, can you believe that?) at some ridiculous Jersey Shore Beach bar
where the amazing band, The Nerds, was playing. We decided to have a
few beers and try to mingle with tha locals.
This is Steve's friend Kenny from Virginia Tech (Yep, the college. Contrary
to what his 34-year-old-looking-face would lead you to believe, this
guy's only 22 years old).
When Kenny's not working (at his job where he impersonates "Doug"
from "King of Queens"), he's busying wooing the beautiful
(and tan, did I say tan?) ladies of the Jizzersey Shizzore.
No, we're not suddenly in Texas! These guys just all decided to wear
matching, oversized, foam cowboy hats while drinking...and in Jersey,
THAT'S JUST FINE. I'm not sure if they realized that I asked them to
pose for this photo because I was laughing at them, or whether they
were just so drunk they didn't care.
Hey, it's not really a night of jerseyshoredrinking unless somebody
tries to kick YOUR FUCKING FAGGOT ASS!!! This guy proudly displays his
ripped shirt. (Bonus points to his friend for making that face. Ha!).
Holy Cuh-rist! Have you ever seen a more tan woman in your life? I think
I just got cancer of the retina just looking at this photo. Fack.
Check this shit out...these three girls were part of a bachelorette
party and they were going around asking if anyone had a condom...because
their friend was getting married in a few days and she needed to "Get
fucked one last time." Her friends informed us that they needed
a condom because they didn't have one and "You know, she's not
going to fuck some stranger right before her wedding without a condom
'cus that would be wrong." Luckily Vinnie
Delpino (Doogie Howser's best friend) came through with a rubber
at the last minute!
Hey fellas, if any of these girls were a bridesmaid at your wedding,
I've got some bad news for you...*sigh*
See that girl in the purple tank top? I asked her what kind of beads
she was wearing and she told me they were Mardi Gras beads, so I started
chanting "Show Yer Tits! Show Yer Tits!" Which she did, but
my camera went off too early. Sorry, I got excited! (PS - Look at Kenny
lending a "helping hand" in lifting up her shirt)
Christ, haven't people in New Jersey ever heard of irony? (PPS - Check
out Kenny full-on grabbing her tit. Ha!).
Hahahah. Meanwhile, on the other side of the parking lot, Cousin Steve
is trying to make time with 3 lovely EnJay ladies who all easily have
10+ years on him. He's all asking them to come with them and one of
them goes "How old are you anyway, sixteen?"
Farewell, sweet, sweet LBI.
Saturday
Night
The next day, I drove up to Asbury Park to meet up with Grant and hang
out with John and Lori Craven. Grant I hung out at the beach all day
and then in the evening John took us to a friend of a friend's pool
party. Check out the scene...
We showed up around 9pm and everyone there had pretty much been drinking
all day...so instead of enjoying lovely conversation with new people,
we just decided to fuck with the guests that had passed out. Here's
Grant posing with our new buddy.
This guy was out cold so I convinced Grant to up the ante and put his
balls near the guys face...HAHAHAHA!
No stranger to whipping
out my own bag, I handed over the camera and teamed up with Grant
for this amazing photo. (Look at our faces!!! nd bonus points to me
for actually resting my nuts on the guys chair.)
So after we took the first few pictures, we went around the party and
started showing them to people just to see what their reactions would
be...turns out, most people wanted to also pose with our passed out
buddy (Except for the guy's close friends, they didn't want to be in
the pictures, they just gave us the guy's email so we could mail him
the pics a few days later...which I did).
Hahahaha! Check out John's face in the middle!
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